Dana Gould
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!Collection: Mirrors
There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.Collection: Nightmare
You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.Collection: Real
Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.Collection: Boys
My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.Collection: Daughter
I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.Collection: Way
If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?Collection: Jesus
My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.Collection: Father
If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?Collection: Born Again
I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.Collection: Boys
As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.Collection: Dog
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.Collection: Circles
If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.Collection: Hands
Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.Collection: Difficult
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.Collection: Perfect
I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.Collection: Long
There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.Collection: Differences
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.Collection: Morning
Life imitates art but art intimidates life.Collection: Art
Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.Collection: Self
To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.Collection: Car
Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.Collection: Coffee
My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.Collection: Dog
If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.Collection: Children
I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.Collection: Comedian
Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.Collection: Baby
Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.Collection: Football
I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.Collection: Tired
We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live rightCollection: Blood
If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.Collection: Photo Of Me
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.Collection: Men
I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.Collection: Workaholic
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?Collection: Looks
Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.Collection: Hair
You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.Collection: Guy
A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.Collection: Sarcasm
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.Collection: Men
Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!Collection: Doe
Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.Collection: Common Sense
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.Collection: Alzheimer's
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.Collection: Cells
Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.Collection: Cute
Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.Collection: Winning
When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.Collection: Long
I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!Collection: Sad
There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.Collection: Two
Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.Collection: Believe
Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.Collection: Clouds
Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.Collection: Reality