Christopher Moore
One can't be free without action.Collection: Action
She's so obnoxious. Like a whole Saturday night drunk tank full of obnoxious packed into one little body." Detective CavutoCollection: Night
...One time you take a hundred thousand dollars and let a vampire go, the whole world turns on you like you're some kind of bad guy.Collection: Guy
This is the man who called the fire department when the toilet backed up, and I'm asking him for help. What was I thinking? Why am I attracted to weak men?Collection: Men
We Ask the Gods for Answers and They Give Us QuestionsCollection: Giving
Anger is the spirits telling you that you are alive.Collection: Alive
So hey, once Joshua heals your brother, you want to go do something, get some pomegranate juice, a falafel,or get married or something?Collection: Brother
This story is not and never was meant to challenge anyone's faith; however, if one's faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel, one may have a bit more praying to do.Collection: Humorous
The angel has confided in me that he is going to ask the Lord if he can become Spider-Man. [...] The children need heroes, he says. I think he just wants to swing from buildings in tight red jammies.Collection: Children
Ack! Parables. I hate parables.Collection: Hate
You know, there's a 12 step program for gambling. You should look into that. Twelve steps. Coyote laughed. I'll bet I can do it in six.Collection: Gambling
Diogenes carried a bowl with him for years, but one day saw a man drinking from his cupped palm and declared, ‘I have been a fool, burdened all these years by the weight of a bowl when a perfectly good vessel lay at the end of my wrist.Collection: Drinking
You're trying to be tricky. What's morality?" "It's the difference between what's right and what you can rationalize." "Must be a human thing." "Exactly.Collection: Differences
It's hard for me, a Jew, to stay in the moment. Without the past, where is the guilt? And without the future, where is the dread? And without guilt and dread, who am I?Collection: Past
Charlie Asher: Mrs. Ling, is that duck wearing trousers? Mrs. Ling: Could be . . . . You hear of paper-wrap chicken? This duck in pants.Collection: Ducks
. . . And so Charlie Asher . . . led an army of fourteen-inch-tall bundles of animal bits, armed with everything from knitting needles to a spork, into the storm sewers of San Fransciso.Collection: Army
I can be most colorful and inventive when I am angry.Collection: Angry
I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.Collection: Lice
For a while he'd tried molding himself into the tragic Romantic hero, brooding and staring clench-jawed off into space as he composed dark verse in his head. But it turned out that trying to appear tragic in Incontinence, Indiana, was redundant, and his mother kept shouting at him and making him forget his rhymes. "Tommy, if you keep grinding your teeth like that, they'll wear away and you'll have to have dentures like Aunt Ester." Tommy only wished his beard was as heavy as Aunt Ester's---then he could stare out over the moors while he stroked it pensively.Collection: Mother
Don't bruise the Foo!Collection: Bruises
The problem with being nuts, she thought, is that you don't always feel as if you're nuts. Sometimes, in fact, you feel perfectly sane, and there just happens to be a trailer-shaped dragon crouching in the lot next door.Collection: Doors
Inside, I was like: "Ha, suck my spiky rubber strap-on, vampyre hunter!Collection: Hunters
Like last year I took Advance Foods class (which is like cooking for nerds) after lunch, and so I usually took a nap. Which was fine, because I'm not even thrilled about regular foods, so, you know, what do I need with like advanced digital HD wi-fi foods and whatnot? -AbbyCollection: Naps
And he was like "The sedative in the blood, blah, blah, four hours, blah, blah, nerdspeak, geektalk -" -AbbyCollection: Blood
No theory ever benefited by the application of data, Amy. Data kills theories. A theory has no better time than when it's lying there naked, pure, unsullied by facts. Let's just keep it that way for a while." "So you don't really have a theory?" "Clueless." "You lying bag of fish heads." "I can fire you, you know. Even if Clay was the one that hired you, I'm not totally superfluous to this operation yet. I'm kind of in charge. I can fire you. Then how will you live?" "I'm not getting paid." "See, right there. Perfectly good concept ruined by the application of fact.Collection: Lying
. . . You seem upset, Charlie. Is something wrong? Charlie: No, no, I’m okay, I just had to take directions from a mute beaver in a fez to get here, it’s unsettling.Collection: Upset
Wet towel under the door,' said Barry. 'It's what you do when you're smoking weed in a hotel and you don't want everyone calling security. You're always supposed to have a towel. I read about it in a guide for hitchhiking through the galaxy.Collection: Weed
What this movie needs is more brain eating zombies.Collection: Zombie
It's about average for us. Behavior always draws more than survey. We're the sexy ones,' Nate said with a grin. Amy snorted. 'Oh, yeah, you guys are the Mae Wests of the nerd world.' We're action nerds,' Nate said. 'Adventure nerds. Nerds of romance.Collection: Sexy
He has the attention span of a hummingbird.Collection: Attention
That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm.Collection: Sarcasm
Ooo ahe-e, I aya oa a," she said in yawnspeak, a language - not unlike Hawaiian - known for its paucity of consonants.Collection: Language
I am convinced by the events of the last few weeks that nefarious forces of people--unidentified but no less real--are threatening life as we know it, and in fact, may be bent on unraveling the very fabric of our existence.Collection: Real
So Now You're Death: Here's What You'll NeedCollection: Needs
So I am death" Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast. "This is death toast sweety.Collection: Daughter
I'm thinking of being a professional mourner. How hard can it be? Tear at your hair, sing a dirge or two, take the rest of the week off.Collection: Thinking
After all the evidence is in--after you've run all the facts by everything you know--and you're still lost, you have to do some things on faith.Collection: Running
Charlie had Sophie strapped to his chest like a terrorist baby bomb when he came down the back steps. She had just gotten to the point where she could hold up her head, so he had strapped her in face-out so she could look around. The way her arms and legs waved around as Charlie walked, she looked as if she was skydiving and using a skinny nerd as a parachute.Collection: Baby
Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.Collection: Bells
Life is an irritation.Collection: Irritation
May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense.Collection: Sheep
Like most Beta Males, he didn't realize that being a good guy was not necessarily an attraction to women.Collection: Guy
Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter.Collection: Law
You're going to break my heart, aren't you?Collection: Heart
You want me and I want you. right?" Who did she think she was? You can't just go around blurting out the truth like a prophet with Tourette's Syndrome. He said, "Well, I guess. Yeah, that's right.Collection: Thinking
I know that even now, having watched enough television, you probably won't even refer to them as lepers so as to spare their feelings. You probably call them 'parts-dropping-off challenged' or something.Collection: Feelings
Foul and magical fumes bubbled out of the kettle, like the flatulence of a dragon on a demon-only diet.Collection: Dragons
Advice, then, young yeoman: When referring to the king's middle daughter, state that she is fair, speculate that she is pious, but unless you'd like to spend your watch looking for the box where your head is kept, resist the urge to wax ignorant on her naughty bits." -Pocket I don't know what that means, sir." -Yeoman Speak not of Regan's shaggacity, son" [...] -PocketCollection: Daughter
In fact, he sorely hoped that it would happen, because otherwise, the world made no sense, there was no justice, and life was just a tangled ball of chaos.Collection: Justice