Christopher Moore
Last time I really got to know myself it turned out there was a whole gang of bitches in there to deal with. I felt like the receptionist at a rehab center. They all had nice tits though, I gotta say.Collection: Nice
A woman’s magazine quiz: Question: You decide to do the dread deed and just as things are starting to get hot he comes, rolls over, and asks, “Was it good for you?” You: a. Say, “God, yes! That was the best seventeen seconds of my life” b. Say, “Sure, as good as it gets for me with a man.” c. Put a Certs in your navel and say, “That’s for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finishedCollection: Jobs
He had risked his freedom and his pride to buy her this, to acknowledge that part of her that everyone else seemed to want to get rid of.Collection: Pride
The netherworld is timeless and unchanging, and boring -- much like a doctor's waiting room.Collection: Doctors
Normally if I met a guy who was unemployed and illiterate who hadn't bathed in a couple of weeks, I'd be standing in a puddle with excitement, but I'm sort of in a bad mood tonight, so take this bag and give me the fu**ing paper before I pop your head like a zit. He said, you're a lesbian, aren't you?Collection: Couple
Life is messy. Would that every puzzle piece fell into place, every word was kind, every accident happy, but such is not the case. Life is messyCollection: Pieces
They want to be tied up, I tie them up. They want to be spanked, I spank them. They want to be called names, I call them names. But try and drink a little of their blood, and they scream like babies. What about my needs?Collection: Baby
That's a horrible plan." "Yes, but I have chosen to ignore that.Collection: Horrible
She's evil. Evil, evil, evil. I want to see her naked.Collection: Evil
The value of the work we do is the value we give to it.Collection: Giving
Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates.Collection: Hate
By Aladdin’s lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.Collection: Stories