Christopher Moore
Tommy had felt alone in a crowd before, even inferior to everyone in a crowd, but now he felt, well, different. It wasn't just the clothes and the make up, it was the humanity. He wasn't part of it. Heightened senses or not, he felt like he had his nose pressed against the window, looking in. The problem was, it was the window of a donut shop.Collection: Clothes
Sweetheart, wake up; you've destroyed the house and I need you to suffer for it.Collection: House
In business, as in politics, the public is ever so tolerant of those who slime.Collection: Slime
This Roberto. He no like the light.Collection: Light
The medium obscured the message.Collection: Messages
It's very difficult to stay angry when a room full of bald guys in orange robes start giggling. Buddhism.Collection: Buddhism
...then he looked at my T-shirt and saw Byron's picture on it and he quoted "She Walks in Beauty," which is like my favorite poem next to the one by Baudelaire about his girlfriend being nothing but worm food, except that Lily called that one first because Baudelaire is her fave poet and so she got the shirt with him on it, even though Byron is way more scrumptious and I would do him on sharp gravel if I had the chance. --from The Chronicles of Abby NormalCollection: Girlfriend
Kayso, it turns out that driving an actual car is way harder than it is in 'Grand Theft Auto: Zombie Hooker Smackdown.Collection: Car
Devil's Food?" You can only eat so much white cake, my friend.Collection: Cake
Most of us don't live our lives with one, integrated self that meets the world, we're a whole bunch of selves.Collection: Self
Lonliness evaporated off of them like the steam off dry ice, and by morning it was just a cloud on the ceiling of the room, then gone with the light.Collection: Morning
Then someone started pounding on the door. And not a little "Hey, what's up?" pound. Like there was a big sale on door pounds down at the Pound Outlet. Buy one, get one free at Pounds-n-Stuff. --Being the Journal of Abby NormalCollection: Doors
All killer whales are named Kevin. You knew that, right?Collection: Whales
You were supposed to empathize with your friend's problem, but they were, after all, your friend's problems.Collection: Problem
If they'd been dogs, they would have all been in the yard eating grass and trying to yak up whatever was making them feel so lousy. Not a bone gnawed, not a ball chased-all tails went unwagged. Oh, life is a fast cat, a short leash, a flea in that place where you just can't scratch.Collection: Dog
I fear you may become a lonely man, even in the company of others.Collection: Lonely
Marry for love, stay married, and raise happy children who are quick to laugh and slow to judge.Collection: Children
It was sometimes difficult to reconcile a man's talents with his personality.Collection: Men
Winter near the shore is cold. The wind kicks up a salty mist and elephant seals come to shore to trumpet and rut and birth their pups. Retired people put sweaters on their lap dogs and drag them down the street on retractable leashes in a nightly parade of doggy humiliation. Surfers don their wetsuits against the chill of storm waves and white sharks adjust their diets to include shrink-wrapped dude-snacks on fiberglass crackers.Collection: Dog
An original thought would crack your feeble skull like a thunderbolt, you craven vulture.Collection: Skulls
I like a girl with a substantial bottom,' said Renoir, drawing in the air the size bottom he preferred.Collection: Girl
How could you deal with a creature as devious as woman.Collection: Deals
It was an eight-harlot inn, if that's how you measure an inn. (I understand that now they measure inns in stars. We are in a four-star inn right now. I don't know what the conversion from harlots to stars is.)Collection: Stars
...she is too beautiful, I think, to not be inherently evil.Collection: Beautiful
Carlton Mellick III has the craziest book titles and the kinkiest fans!Collection: Book
Moses should have said "Let my people go. Please."Collection: Should Have
Pondering is a little like considering and a little like thinking, but looser. To ponder, one must let the facts roll around the rim of the mind's roulette wheel, coming to settle in whichever slot they feed pulled to.Collection: Thinking
People always stay the age that they died at. My big brother died of leukemia when I was six. He was eight. Now when I think of him, he's always eight, and he's still my big brother. He never changes, and the part of me that remembers him never changes.Collection: Brother
She hugged me and I could feel the heat rise in my face, either from shame or love, like there was a difference.Collection: Differences
He always had a problem with the purity of others. Never his own.Collection: Problem
Words, words, words, a million million words circle in my head like hawks, waiting to dive onto the page to rend and tear the only two words I want to write. Why me?Collection: Writing
Action based on hope just felt better than the paralysis of certainty.Collection: Action
I could stand on my head and flick the bean right there at the dinner table and my mom would be all, "Honey, Christmas is family time, we should be together" and make me finish in front of everyone.Collection: Mom
Perhaps there is a reason that there is no fool piece on the chessboard. What action, a fool? What strategy, a fool? What use, a fool? Ah, but a fool resides in a deck of cards, a joker, sometimes two. Of no worth, of course. No real purpose. The appearance of a trump, but none of the power: Simply an instrument of chance. Only a dealer may give value to the joker.Collection: Real
Do we look like thrill-seekers? Wasn't it enough that we had to put up that sign reading NO HABLA ESPANOL and acknowledge the existence of thirty percent of the population, even in the negative?Collection: Reading
You don't hurry a thinker, and you don't talk to him when he's thinking. It's just inconsiderate.Collection: Thinking
You sure about this writer thing son?Collection: Son
Oh, I get it," I said. "It's a parable. Cute. Let's go eat.Collection: Cute
He wanted her to experience all the glorious cheese of life.Collection: Cheese
I wanted a trumpet concerto that reflected Native American music because, well, there aren't any. I looked around for one but couldn't find anything. So it's a wide-open field.Collection: Native American
Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say "attaboy".Collection: Blessed
[in reference to turkey bowling] He [Tommy] squinted and picked his target, then took his steps and sent the bird sliding down the aisle. A collective gasp rose from the crew as the fourteen-pound, self-basting, fresh-frozen projectile of wholesome savory goodness plowed into the soap bottles like a freight train into a chorus line of drunken grandmothers.Collection: Grandmother
Sarcasm will make your tits fall off.Collection: Fall
Even a mentally challenged shark would figure out that sea turtles did not wear boxer shorts printed in flying piggies, and no sea turtle would be yattering streams of obscenities between chain-smoker gasps of breath.Collection: Turtles
...as if someone had thrown a hand grenade into the middle of a teddy bear orgy and the only survivors had had their fur blown off.Collection: Sex
He invented Kung Fu when translated to English means method by which short, bald guys can kick the bejeezus out of you.Collection: Mean
Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.Collection: Crazy
Compliment but do not covet.Collection: Compliment
The prospect of change is a many-fanged beast, my dear.Collection: Beast