Erma Bombeck
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.Collection: Graduation
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.Collection: Wedding
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.Collection: Parenting
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.Collection: Car
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.Collection: Hope
Never order food in excess of your body weight.Collection: Food
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.Collection: Food
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.Collection: Thanksgiving
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.Collection: Christmas
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.Collection: Food
Never have more children than you have car windows.Collection: Funny
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.Collection: Age
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.Collection: Marriage
When humor goes, there goes civilization.Collection: Humor
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.Collection: Dreams
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.Collection: Birthday
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.Collection: Courage
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.Collection: Food
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.Collection: Car
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.Collection: Work
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.Collection: Car
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.Collection: Humor
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.Collection: Wisdom
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.Collection: Funny
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.Collection: Success
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.Collection: Diet
When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.Collection: Mom
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.Collection: Mom
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.Collection: Business
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.Collection: Design
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.Collection: Car
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.Collection: Medical
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.Collection: Medical
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.Collection: Dreams
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.Collection: Women
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.Collection: Car
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.Collection: Sports
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.Collection: Courage
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.Collection: Mom
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.Collection: Society
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Children make your life important.
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.