Rodney Dangerfield
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.Collection: Clothes
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.Collection: Confidence
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.Collection: Funny
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.Collection: Beach
I don't get no respect, no respect at all!Collection: Respect
I was a poster child... for birth control!Collection: Funny
I can't get no respect.Collection: Complaining
[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.Collection: Half
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.Collection: Wife
My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.Collection: Funny
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.Collection: Funny
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.Collection: Mother
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.Collection: Funny
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!Collection: Funny
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!Collection: Funny
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!Collection: Funny
I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.Collection: Happiness
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.Collection: Cousin
After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.Collection: Baby
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!Collection: Funny
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.Collection: Love
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.Collection: Disappointment
I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.Collection: Inspirational
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.Collection: Writing
I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.Collection: Wife
My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.Collection: Wife
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your backCollection: Children
They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.Collection: Change
I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.Collection: Girl
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"Collection: Funny
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.Collection: Guy
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.Collection: Funny
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.Collection: Kids
I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.Collection: Funny Relationship
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.Collection: Funny
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.Collection: Funny
At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.Collection: Sex
I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.Collection: Thinking
Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.Collection: Baby
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.Collection: Funny
When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.Collection: Sex
School is a place were you go to eat your lunchCollection: Funny
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".Collection: Funny
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".Collection: Funny
My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.Collection: Dog
I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.Collection: Girl
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.Collection: Funny
I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.Collection: Wall
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.Collection: Two