Rodney Dangerfield
I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.Collection: Suicidal
Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.Collection: Guy
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.Collection: Funny
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.Collection: Funny
Hey, did somebody step on a duck?Collection: Ducks
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.Collection: Dog
I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my motherCollection: Mother
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!Collection: Funny
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.Collection: Funny
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.Collection: Believe
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'Collection: Love
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.Collection: Funny
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.Collection: Tonight
I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.Collection: Funny
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.Collection: Family
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.Collection: Funny
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.Collection: Sex
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!Collection: Nice
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.Collection: Wife
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'Collection: Funny
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.Collection: Funny
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .Collection: Oil
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.Collection: Respect
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.Collection: Mother
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'Collection: Elevators
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.Collection: Funny
I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!Collection: Funny
My wife gives good headache.Collection: Marriage
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.Collection: Funny
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.Collection: Son
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.Collection: Mother
Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.Collection: Lying
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.Collection: Men
My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.Collection: Sex
When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.Collection: Mother
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.Collection: Dog
To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.Collection: Ideas
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.Collection: Sex
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!Collection: Funny
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."Collection: Funny
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.Collection: Suicide
I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.Collection: Funny
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.Collection: Funny
Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.Collection: Men
I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.Collection: Sitting
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.Collection: Figures
Man, who don't like spaghetti?Collection: Men
I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.Collection: Kids
I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!Collection: Doctors