Rodney Dangerfield
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.Collection: Mouths
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.Collection: Funny
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."Collection: Kids
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."Collection: Funny
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.Collection: Funny Relationship
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.Collection: Men
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.Collection: Respect
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.Collection: Funny
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.Collection: Drinking
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.Collection: Airports
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.Collection: Girl
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.Collection: Wife
Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.Collection: Fire
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."Collection: Funny
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.Collection: Respect
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.Collection: Funny
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!Collection: Funny
I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'Collection: Wife
I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.Collection: Sex
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!Collection: Mother
My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!Collection: Funny
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.Collection: Funny
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.Collection: Morning
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.Collection: Hook
I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.Collection: Clothes
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.Collection: Wife
My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.Collection: Funny
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.Collection: Good Day
Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!Collection: Hey
My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.Collection: Mother
We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.Collection: Home
I don't get no respectCollection: Tombstone
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.Collection: Girl
She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).Collection: Kings
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.Collection: Funny
My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.Collection: Stars
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.Collection: Funny
When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.Collection: Fighting
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.Collection: Camouflage
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.Collection: Zoos
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!Collection: Funny
I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.Collection: Kids
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.Collection: Funny
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.Collection: Funny