Rodney Dangerfield
If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.Collection: Fire
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.Collection: Girl
I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.Collection: Uncles
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."Collection: Funny
My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.Collection: Funny
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.Collection: Zoos
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.Collection: Drug
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."Collection: Funny
Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.Collection: Wife
To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.Collection: Sex
Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.Collection: Thinking
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.Collection: Children
My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.Collection: Funny Love
I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.Collection: Sex
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".Collection: Funny
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.Collection: Funny
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".Collection: Funny
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.Collection: Wife
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.Collection: Funny
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.Collection: Funny
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.Collection: Funny
My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.Collection: Real
A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!Collection: Funny
When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.Collection: Dog
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.Collection: Funny
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.Collection: Dad
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.Collection: Funny
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!Collection: Men
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.Collection: Funny
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.Collection: Girl
I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?Collection: I've Learned
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hitCollection: Funny
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.Collection: Funny
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.Collection: Funny
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.Collection: History
She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.Collection: Funny
I have three kids, one of each.Collection: Funny
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.Collection: Morning
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.Collection: Book
I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?Collection: Girl
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.Collection: Bisexual
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.Collection: Funny
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.Collection: Wife
My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!Collection: Funny
My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."Collection: Home
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.Collection: Funny
I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.Collection: Sex
My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!Collection: Sex