Rodney Dangerfield
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.Collection: Cheating
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.Collection: Sorry
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"Collection: Doctors
You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.Collection: Beach
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.Collection: Cutting
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.Collection: Respect
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.Collection: Drinking
I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.Collection: Funny
I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.Collection: Car
They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?Collection: Self
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.Collection: Respect
He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.Collection: Laughing
A hooker once told me she had a headache.Collection: Funny
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.Collection: Home
I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.Collection: Drinking
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.Collection: Funny
What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.Collection: Doctors
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.Collection: Night
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.Collection: Ifs
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn’t even look for me.Collection: Respect
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I’m gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark...Collection: Respect
He who laughs last didn’t get it in the first place.Collection: Firsts
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.Collection: Real
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.Collection: Real
It’s tough to stay married. My wife says no because she’s tired then stays up and reads her book.Collection: Book
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we’d be in a lot of trouble.Collection: Country
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times – three while I was reading it.Collection: Reading