Rodney Dangerfield
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.Collection: Sex
I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.Collection: Sexy
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.Collection: Funny
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.Collection: Home
It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.Collection: Inspirational
I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.Collection: Attitude
I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.Collection: Funny
It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.Collection: Lonely
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.Collection: Funny
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.Collection: Girl
Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!Collection: Funny
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.Collection: Heaven
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.Collection: Funny
You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.Collection: Life
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.Collection: Funny
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.Collection: Dog
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.Collection: Funny
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.Collection: Dog
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?Collection: Teacher
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.Collection: Respect
Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.Collection: Funny
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.Collection: Funny
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.Collection: Respect
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.Collection: Thinking
Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.Collection: About Yourself
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.Collection: Respect
...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.Collection: Wife
I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.Collection: Truth
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.Collection: Dental Floss
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.Collection: Funny
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.Collection: Fiction
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!Collection: Funny
It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.Collection: Hair
We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.Collection: Black And White
You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.Collection: Running
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.Collection: Night
My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.Collection: Scotch
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.Collection: Horse
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.Collection: Funny
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."Collection: Funny
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.Collection: Cancer
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.Collection: Funny
People seldom live up to their baby pictures.Collection: Birthday
My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'Collection: Morning
My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.Collection: Baseball
I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!Collection: Funny
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.Collection: Wife
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.Collection: Funny