Jon Stewart
I think you are looking at sexuality and not attributes, and I think it's odd because the conservative mantra is a meritocracy. And I think what you're suggesting is the fact that being gay parents makes you not as good as others. And I would suggest that a loving, gay family with a financially secure background beats the hell out of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline any day of the week.Collection: Gay
While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and balanced Vermont's budget - all traditionally conservative policies. Dean also received an 'A' rating from the National Rifle Association, which I think you can't get unless you've killed a guy.Collection: New York
But our perfect democracy, which neither needs nor particularly wants voters, is a rarity. It is important to remember there still exist many other forms of government in the world today, and that dozens of foreign governments still long for a democracy such as ours to be imposed on them.Collection: Government
The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.Collection: Rely
You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.Collection: Morning
Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.Collection: Men
I think people are used to people in show business having a lot of hubris. I think I have a normal amount of self-loathing but because I'm in show business it's considered self-deprecation. In normal life I would just be considered your average neurotic.Collection: Thinking
Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the U.S. official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. "The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning." Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube.Collection: Law
As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.Collection: Happiness
What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square. It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "sup?"Collection: New Year
You may be asking yourself, 'Am I the right type of person to go to this rally?' The fact that you would even stop to ask yourself that question, as opposed to, let's say, just jumping up, grabbing the nearest stack of burnable holy books, strapping on a diaper and pointing your car towards D.C. -- that means I think you just might be right for it.Collection: Book
I have not moved out of the comedian's box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me.Collection: Moving
Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as "job creator." You can't even use the word rich. You have to say, "This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator."Collection: Jobs
In case you're wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you're all wearing at home.Collection: Home
Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. Private, shoot that man! I can't, he's adorable.Collection: Country
I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies.Collection: Soul
I can't tell you how many times we'll run into a journalist and go, "Boy that's...I wish we could be saying that. That's exactly the way we see it and that's exactly the way we'd like to be saying that." And I always think, "Well, why don't you?"Collection: Running
I'm not a very serious Jew. I don't wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.Collection: Religious
When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."Collection: Writing
President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.Collection: Average
I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.Collection: Writing
The Book of Mormon is so good it makes me f**king angry.Collection: Kings
Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.Collection: Kings
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims there are no homosexuals in Iran, just like there are no gay conservatives in the US.Collection: Gay
I only find out where countries are when we start bombing them.Collection: Country
You're your own play.Collection: Play
I like a lot of wheels. If I could have eight wheels, I would.Collection: Eight
This is what happens when you don't let gays marry; they start designing clothes out of spite.Collection: Gay
We've come from the same history - 2000 years of persecution - we've just expressed our sufferings differently. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complained, we just never thought of putting it to music.Collection: Years
We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.Collection: Together
Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge made that critical leap from 'be afraid' to 'be very afraid,' raising the terrorist threat level to orange for financial sectors in New York, Washington, D.C., and northern New Jersey. ... Ridge's announcement comes amidst reports he will step down as head of homeland security after the election. Ridge himself has refused to comment on the story, though colleagues say he has often expressed a desire to spend more time at home, scaring his family.Collection: New York
The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic PartyCollection: Stars
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?Collection: Funny
If someone was to introduce hope and idealism into our political system, I think the tension that would create in other areas would certainly be ripe. You would think that if you bring oxygen to the organism, the organism lives. But there may be other organisms in there that thrive in darkness and in a more anaerobic environment. Watching those creatures writhe will always be interesting.Collection: Thinking
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.Collection: Graduation
People would like to place a standard on our show that doesn't exist. We're not set up for reporting; we don't have an apparatus for that. We're discussing things that hopefully people might get something out of, but it's wildly inconsistent. Just because we hit on points that resonate, or people think are real complaints - that doesn't make us journalists.Collection: Real
The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.Collection: Graduation
Everybody talks about the entitlement generation. There is no time I'd rather live in than now, and there is no generation I would more entrust the future of this country to than this one. There is a tendency to live in a nostalgic state in this country, and to think that other generations possessed an integrity and a tenacity greater than the generation that is now. I wholeheartedly disagree with that. I believe that this is a group that will rise up to any challenge that comes before them as well as any other generation in America would have done.Collection: Country
The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.Collection: Church
Bush proposed a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Some saw the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others saw it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President... Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding.Collection: Daughter
I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it's too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.Collection: Joy
After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call ever parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.'Collection: Mom
I don't want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that's tragic. Because I don't want her to get the chance to pick out what I'm going to wear for eternity.Collection: Mother
There's nothing like a shipwreck to spark the imagination of everyone who was not on that specific ship.Collection: Imagination
The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.Collection: Games
You think that sense of humor goes as far as our ideology. I think that ultimately, we have we have very interesting reactions on our show. People are constantly saying, "I love your-your show is so funny, until you made a joke about global warming, which is a serious issue, and I can't believe you did that. And I am never watching your show again."Collection: Believe
Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these guys, these firefighters and these policemen and people from all over the country, literally with buckets, rebuilding... that's extraordinary. And that's why we have already won... they can't... it's light. It's democracy. They can't shut that down.Collection: Country
Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence.Collection: Creating
Some people have criticized the United States and the United States military for guarding oil fields and not guarding the Iraqi National Museum which had priceless antiquities in it. They say that this shows a fundamental lack of respect for Iraqi history. I want to remind those people of this: The oldest relics in the museum, 5,000 or 6,000 years old. That oil is 65 million years old. You had to guard that. ... Those antiquities will only last another 5,000 or 6,000 years. When we burn that oil, those fumes will linger long after.Collection: Military