Joan Rivers
I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.
I've always been salaried; I've never owned anything. I've done very well, lived very well.
I hate reality shows that are not reality.
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously.
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.
Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.
I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.
Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.Collection: Stars
I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.Collection: Grieving
When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.Collection: Laughing
If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.Collection: Laughing
I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'Collection: Funny
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.Collection: Memorable
You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.Collection: Sexy
Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.Collection: Enjoy
Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.Collection: Men
To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.Collection: Humor
keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.Collection: Moving
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.Collection: Thought Provoking
Marriage isn't a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call 'the wise bamboo,' which means you bend so you don't break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.Collection: Wise
You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.Collection: Retirement
If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of othersCollection: Fun
You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.Collection: Rooms
I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: You're not my wife! Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: What would he tip? Another guy said: I want you to meet my family, and took me to the cemetery.Collection: Men
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.Collection: Sex
I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it."Collection: Believe
If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.Collection: Wrecks
The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.Collection: Gay
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.Collection: Baby
"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."Collection: Humor
Run scared ... and they never catch you.Collection: Running
Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.Collection: Morning
You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.Collection: Love And Marriage
[On plastic surgery:] My motto is: 'Anything that can be lifted should be lifted. Anything that falls should be caught. And try to catch any falling stuff before it hits the ground.Collection: Fall
Everyone takes fashion so seriously! It's fashion - enjoy it!Collection: Fashion
Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.Collection: Night
God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.Collection: Play
Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'Collection: Funny
Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.Collection: Baby
Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.Collection: Memorable
But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.Collection: Party
There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.Collection: Depressing
I've learned: When you get older, who cares? I don't mince words, I don't hold back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire me? It's been done. Threaten to commit suicide? Done. Take away my show? Done! Not invite to me to the Vanity Fair party? I've never been invited! If I ever saw the invitation, I'd use it as toilet paper.Collection: Suicide
There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.Collection: Nice
She's so fat, she's my two best friends.Collection: Two Best Friends