Joan Rivers
I was my own buddy in camp.Collection: Camps
Boy George is all England needs. Another queen who can't dress.Collection: Queens
Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.Collection: Lying
I think we all in comedi business, especially when we reach a certain age, are divas up to a point. I love when a limousine comes for me, I can't lie about that. I love when you go to a restaurant and they say, "Come this way, Miss Rivers," and you get a good table. I love all that, the perks that come with the business.Collection: Lying
My personal style is over-the-top dowager. The old days they said get dressed and take one thing off, I say get dressed and put one thing on.Collection: Style
I'm at the top, top, top of my game now. I'm so happy to be on that stage, I'm in control of it, and I love every minute of it. I walk onstage in rehearsal and I start to smile. And so I just don't care what anyone else is doing. Do what you want, say what you want. Nobody else can do what I do onstage. Nobody.Collection: Care
Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.Collection: Friends
I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.Collection: Thinking
If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities have that thin veneer that they will not break for you.Collection: Hate
All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.Collection: Baby
Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.Collection: Laughing
Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young'; it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.Collection: Years
My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.Collection: Sex
My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.Collection: Body
I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.Collection: Funny
My body is a temple, and my temple needs redecorating.Collection: Needs
The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.Collection: Sex
Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.Collection: Animal
Never floss a stranger.Collection: Advice
I hate Billings, Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears RoebuckCollection: Fashion
I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.Collection: Self Confidence
I think Hillary Clinton's style is perfect. Perfect. You don't notice what she's wearing, you notice the woman.Collection: Thinking
The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.Collection: Men
Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.Collection: Comedy
You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.Collection: Doctors
Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride".Collection: Funny
The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.Collection: Believe
Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.Collection: Powerful
Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.Collection: Daughter
The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.Collection: Funny
Tonight I'll be interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou - and yes, those are actors, not caterers.Collection: Castles
Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!Collection: Plastic
Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.Collection: Children
I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.'Collection: Thinking
I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.Collection: Reading
if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.Collection: Thinking
I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don't care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch.Collection: Fashion
I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."Collection: Beauty
At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!Collection: Heart
I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag.Collection: Gowns
I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.Collection: Love Is
If you don't think you're funny, no one else will.Collection: Thinking
I’m never without a bandage.Collection: Plastic Surgery
I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter.Collection: Yellow
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.Collection: Believe
We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.Collection: Age
Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.Collection: Men
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.Collection: White
I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.'Collection: Fashion