David Letterman
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.Collection: Funny
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.Collection: Dog
You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down.Collection: Nudists
Pamela Anderson is a great dancer considering she can't see her feet.Collection: Feet
The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.Collection: 4th Of July
I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.Collection: Two
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.Collection: Book
Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.Collection: New York
Everyday is a compromise.Collection: Everyday
The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.Collection: War
The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.Collection: Children
Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.Collection: Type 2 Diabetes
Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.Collection: New Year
George W. Bush has a new campaign slogan: "A reformer with results." I don't know what it means [but] I think it's better than his old campaign slogan: "A dumb guy with connections.Collection: Mean
Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?Collection: Good Times
Midnight, and the kitties are sleeping.Collection: Sleep
He has been greatly missed since his retirement ... Thank God for videotapes and DVDs. In this regard, he will always be around.Collection: God
Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.Collection: Names
The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.Collection: Thinking
Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.Collection: Sex
A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his pocket is a .38.Collection: New York
New York is great though. If you?re here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.Collection: New York
Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.Collection: Guy
I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!Collection: Lips
Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.Collection: Reading
Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.Collection: Team
I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right.Collection: Guy
Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.Collection: Moon
President Obama's trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran a letter about the nuclear deal. They said if this doesn't work, by God, they're going to send Seth Rogen and James Franco.Collection: Iran
I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.Collection: Brother
Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a minute, that's me.Collection: Jobs
Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed.Collection: Evil
St. Patrick's Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It's not the biggest. It's right behind New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party.Collection: New Year
Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care.Collection: Baby
Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking beforeCollection: Drinking
President Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they're gone, they got a fence jumper to house sit. Tomorrow, he will be in Hawaii playing golf with Raul Castro and the Pope.Collection: Holiday
You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It's bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They're laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain.Collection: Holiday
Fine art and pizza delivery: what we do falls neatly in between.Collection: Art
Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.Collection: Kids
I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.Collection: Football
Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.Collection: Inspirational
Let's have some wine, go upstairs, and look at my money.Collection: Wine
I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?Collection: Sex
To label Jason Randal a magician does a disservice. You'll think the laws of physics, nature, the universe itself have been suspended. He's as good as Houdini was at his best!Collection: Thinking
My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.Collection: Funny
Any online gamblers here? Well, Congress is looking in shutting that down.There's going to be a massive congressional investigation of online gambling and they're going to shut it down. And when they get done with that, they're going to look into this North Korean thing.Collection: Gambling
Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.Collection: Baby
A small handgun makes any TV remote control.Collection: Tvs
Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Iowa, virtually going door to door to every home in Iowa. Jehovah's Witnesses finally got fed up and said, 'Get lost. Get out of here!'Collection: Home