David Letterman
I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.Collection: Rumor
The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In one of the commercials, you see George Bush for thirty seconds. In another commercial, you get to see George Bush for sixty seconds - kind of like his stint in the National Guard.Collection: Running
President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They're both in China at the same time. It's like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation.Collection: Running
Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league when he landed his gyrocopter on the White House lawn.Collection: Eagles
Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.Collection: Tonight
They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.Collection: White
Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.Collection: New York
The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That's insane. I mean, think about it, this guy Cruz Bustamante has never even been in a movie.Collection: Mean
President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be Bush's first uncontested victory.Collection: War
The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years.Collection: Mean
There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.Collection: Afterlife
I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We've all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs.Collection: Football
Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house.Collection: Mother
Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again.Collection: Moving
Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.Collection: Benches
It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.Collection: Country
Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.Collection: Trying
Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has apparently just slipped across the border into Pakistan.Collection: Borders
To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There's a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.Collection: New York
Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me.Collection: Running
The issue of gay marriage has reached the Supreme Court and observers are analyzing every detail to predict how each justice will vote. Experts say Chief Justice John Roberts is likely to rule in favor of gay marriage based on the fact that he spent Tuesday's hearings watching the Tony Award nominations.Collection: Gay
Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.Collection: People
If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.Collection: Feelings
It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?Collection: Morning
The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them.Collection: Two Sides
John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message.Collection: Reading
John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either.Collection: Names
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.Collection: Sex
How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal.Collection: Land
The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami.Collection: Oil
There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.Collection: Military
The Russian economy is tanking. It's gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And Putin will finance his next invasion on Kickstarter.Collection: Russian Economy
I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, 'For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.'Collection: Sweaters
Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.Collection: Retirement
Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.Collection: Country
The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?Collection: Thinking
Newt Gingrich has criticized 'New York elites' who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.Collection: Morning
Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.Collection: White
Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.Collection: New York
Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don't confuse him with New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. That's urban quagmire.Collection: Football
Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I'm telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one.Collection: Running
Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it?Collection: Sound
Mitt Romney is running for president again. That will be attempt No. 3. Well, everybody needs a hobby. He's almost certainly running, and I'm almost certainly retiring, so I don't care.Collection: Running
John Boehner is a member of a country club in Ohio. It turns out that the bartender was plotting to poison Boehner. Now wait a minute. Isn't that the movie with Seth Rogen and James Franco?Collection: Country
In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?Collection: Kings
I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame.Collection: Guy
Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to 'President Trump.'Collection: Running
Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat.Collection: Believe
One of the dogs in the competition, a Portuguese Water Dog, is related to President Obama's dog, Bo. But they only see each other at funerals and weddings.Collection: Dog