David Letterman
Let me just say this: You know your campaign is not going well when you open a press conference by saying, 'I told you there would be more lewd photos'.Collection: Would Be
I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'Collection: Mom
I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty.Collection: Eggs
And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first time he's starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don't worry. He's got a plan. He's going to be to campaigning in Europe.Collection: Europe
Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on 'American Idol,' wasn't it?Collection: Couple
Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'Collection: News
But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.Collection: Dog
People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.Collection: Weekend
Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he's got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.Collection: Mother
Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don't think that's the best way to go.Collection: Relationship
I'm a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.Collection: Smartass
Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don't need your name and address.Collection: New York
The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?Collection: Vacation
I like that Sarah Palin. She looks like the flight attendant who won't give you a second can of Pepsi ... She looks like the nurse who weighs you and then makes you sit alone in your underwear for 20 minutes ... She looks like a real estate agent whose picture you see on the bus stop bench ... She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing ... She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial.Collection: Mom
I haven't reached nirvana yet, but I've been to Detroit.Collection: Detroit
Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.Collection: Navy
Them bats is smart. They use radar!Collection: Smart
Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.Collection: Sleep
They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.Collection: Eye
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.Collection: Valentines Day
Do good things for other people.Collection: People
Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I've been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It's great to be alive.Collection: Memories
It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.Collection: New York
Reasons why members of Congress deserve a pay raise: Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes; nearly half the members have never been indicted.Collection: Cutting
Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.Collection: Running
My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America.Collection: America
Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails.Collection: Gun
Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.Collection: Halloween
Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can't even get the intern to make me coffee!Collection: Coffee
Life experience is the best teacher.Collection: Teacher
The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, 'If this van's rockin', I'm deleting emails.'Collection: Team
Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.Collection: Sea
I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic. ... Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization.Collection: Suicide
George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.Collection: Next Week
After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.Collection: Change
I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.Collection: Voting
Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?'Collection: Book
Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his mother.Collection: Mother
Don't kid yourself. Global warming is no joke. Here's how serious global warming has gotten to be in the United States. In this country global warming is so bad, we are now actually starting to warm up to Barry Bonds.Collection: Country
Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he? ... President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sunCollection: Fighting
President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.Collection: Japan
Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him 'their bright new star of the future.'Collection: Stars
I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night.Collection: Weed
Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict.Collection: Congratulations
Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.Collection: Thinking
Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.Collection: Sarcastic
Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. ... There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.Collection: Iphone
It was stupid behaviour. And you take a look at the explosion, and it knocks you down and you wake up every morning and you're scared and you're depressed and sad, and you kind of got to let that knock you down and knock you down.Collection: Morning
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.Collection: Funny