Bill Hicks
What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion?Collection: Abortion
We'll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God - I am killing me!Collection: Believe
I'm just skin covering coffee and some real nervous teeth.Collection: Real
Will there be titty? Sure. Boom! I'm a producer. Where you been all our life, boy? We been lookin for you in Hollywood.Collection: Boys
I saw a sign on the side of the road in Tennessee once that said 'dirt for sale'... what a great country we live in. DIRT for sale. How would you like to get inside that guy's mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn't he?Collection: Country
I was in Australia....Lotta leg room down under. Apartments: dollar a month. 2000-acre den....think of the parties.Collection: Party
Billy Ray Cyrus does not smoke. Michael Bolton doesn't...Paula Abdul doesn't...there does seem to be a pattern.Collection: Rays
Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years.Collection: Years
I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] 'good evening everybody, remember me, smoking's bad. [puts cigarette to neck and mimics smoking it] Eeww. You ever seen somebody do that? I've seen someone do that. Let me tell you something — if you're smoking out of a hole in your neck [mimics it again] I'd think about quitting. And that's just me, ya know.Collection: Thinking
Let's do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who've seen me before might know that.Collection: Add
No one knows what it's like ... to be a dustbin ... in Shaftesbury ... with hooligans.Collection: Dustbin
That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually...I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one.Collection: Littles
Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.Collection: Struggle
Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage.Collection: Feet
I don't know what you all believe, and I don't really care ... but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks ... you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?Collection: Christian
Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour.Collection: Thinking
I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ...STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man.Collection: Running
I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America. [salutes]Collection: America
In Australia...they celebrate Easter the same...by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit...left chocolate eggs in the nightCollection: Easter
It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?Collection: Life Changing
God has this...hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality.Collection: Reality
....All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you. I'll be here all week.Collection: War
Our next Cold War ought to be with ourselves...After all, who poses the biggest danger to the American environment? We do.Collection: War
I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts are generally fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.Collection: Christian
Be yourself on stage. Nobody else can be you and you have the law of supply and demand covered.Collection: Being Yourself
I'm very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself... Good evening!Collection: Tired
The world's like a ride in a fairground & when you choose to go on it you think it's real, that's how powerful our minds areCollection: Powerful
I wish I could meet a Christian who would proselytize to me, but they keep running away from me. I wanna talk to you all.Collection: Christian
All day long you see those commercials: 'Here's Your Brain, Just Say No'...and the next commercial is: 'This Bud's For You.'Collection: Long
"Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth." ... I found my brand. Just don't get the ones that say, "Lung Cancer."Collection: Cancer
Sixteen years I've pounded my head against the mentality of America, which...I'd say it's about an 8th grade emotional level.Collection: Emotional
Truly, the only stupid people I've ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television.Collection: Stupid
To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a big mistake.Collection: Weed
How come people always flip and think they're Jesus? Why not Buddha? Particularly in America, where more people resemble Buddha than Jesus. 'Ah'm BUDDHA!' 'You're Bubba!' 'Ah'm Buddha now..All I gotta do is change 3 letters on ma belt.Collection: Jesus
The Voice of Reason is in us all...and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally.Collection: Voice
I was just down in Dallas, Texas...the Assassination Museum...it's really accurate, you know, 'cause Oswald's not in it.Collection: Museums
If I thought the Jews killed God, I'd worship the Jews.Collection: Atheist
I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f-kin' mouth.Collection: Looks
Rock stars against drugs--that's what we want, isn't it? Government-approved rock-n-roll? Woo! We're partying now!Collection: Stars
It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick.Collection: Dog
Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?Collection: Law
The CIA has a plot...they've used before to get rid of world leaders. Only problem...is convincing Hussein...to fly to Dallas.Collection: Leader
You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really un-evolved?Collection: Believe
Humanity is just a virus with shoes.Collection: Shoes
I'd...bet enthusiasm for 'ethnic cleansing' will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties.Collection: Party
Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts...Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me.Collection: Sound
Man, the Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a coupla tunes. Tell me they weren't partyin'.Collection: Men
People always snap and think they're Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they're Buddha?Collection: Jesus
Is it my business if somebody wants to burn a flag?...No, it's not...That's called logic and it'll help us all evolve.Collection: Flags