Bill Hicks
Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day.Collection: Satan
I've had seven balls of light come off a UFO...explain to me telepathically we are all one and there's no such thing as death.Collection: Light
I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' Nothing. 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?Collection: Funny
...I just want to be free of the fears and anxieties and the superstitions of religion. An 'avenging GOD'? One who created Hell for those who don't believe? I thought we were the perfect and holy children of GOD? How could any limits possibly be put upon us? Hell.. really? I'm sorry, but... no. Wrong. You're wrong. That's an insane GOD and therefore not mine. Because, see, GOD would be very sane, don't you get it?Collection: Sorry
Oh my God. Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception that I might know only reality and only you.Collection: Reality
Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your fags.Collection: Eye
Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.Collection: Funny
Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister.Collection: Kids
A Christian will say... "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.Collection: Christian
You want a better world...? Legalize pot right now. ...end the deficit? Legalize pot right now...biggest cash crop in America.Collection: America
You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring.Collection: Book
I don't identify with anyone historically, but there are several people in the future who I am a dead ringer for.Collection: Who I Am
In the beginning God created the heavans and the earth... see you at the final.Collection: Finals
Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?Collection: Okay
Ever notice that people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it.Collection: Funny
I love talking about Kennedy assassination...a great archetypal example of how totalitarian government...sorry, wrong meeting.Collection: Sorry
I was over in Australia during Easter, which was really interesting. You know, they celebrate Easter the exact same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children that a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. Now I wonder why we're f-ked up as a race. I've read the Bible. I can't find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in the f-king book.Collection: Jesus
People are bringing SHOTGUNS to UFO sightings...brings a whole new meaning to that phrase 'You ain't from around here, ar'ya?'Collection: People
This is the idea that has made me...an anonymous figure in America...If you have children here tonight...they are NOT special.Collection: Children
If ur going to have a war on drugs, have them against ALL drugs, including alcohol, the number one offender.Collection: War
I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift.Collection: Believe
You are the imagination of yourself.Collection: Imagination
I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman...come in the guise of a comic...to heal perception by using...'jokes'.Collection: Artist
I'm just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious.Collection: Collective Unconscious
Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up.Collection: Land
...love rather than fear...this radical philosophy is coming from me, an avowed misanthrope...surely there is hope for us all.Collection: Philosophy
Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They're sick, they're not criminals. Sick people don't get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense.Collection: Jail
You think when Jesus comes back, he really wants to see a cross? That's like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.Collection: Religious
Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts, that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm... Sounds like... every commercial on television, doesn't it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I'm not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe that's the connection they're trying to make.Collection: Thinking
You know what I hate about working? Bosses...The very idea that ANYONE could be my boss, well...I think you see the conflict.Collection: Hate
Jesus-murdered. Martin Luther King-murdered. Gandhi-murdered. Malcolm X-murdered. Reagan-wounded.Collection: Jesus
That's what I hate about the war on drugs. All day long we see those commercials: "Here's your brain, here's your brain on drugs", "Just Say No", "Why do you think they call it dope?" … And then the next commercial is [singing] "This Bud's for yooouuuu." C'mon, everybody, let's be hypocritical bastards. It's okay to drink your drug. We meant those other drugs. Those untaxed drugs. Those are the ones that are bad for you.Collection: Hate
I don't get along with anything, I really don't...I'm, I'm, maybe I'm just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being.Collection: Humans
I am available for children's parties, by the way.Collection: Children
No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.Collection: Jobs
Isn't that weird, we've made nature against the law. That's how un-natural we've become.Collection: Law
I believe we all have the Voice of Reason inside us...to gently lead us out of our own self-created hells.Collection: Believe
Courtroom for Ted Bundy's trial is packed with women, trying to meet him and give him love letters and wedding-fucking-proposals...and the first thought that enters my mind is, "And I'm not getting laid." What am I doing wrong?Collection: Kings
How do I know the Bible isn't the word of God? Well if it was the word of God it would be clear and easy to understand...considering God was the creator of LANGUAGE!Collection: Atheist
While I've found many of the religious shows I've viewed over the years not to be to my liking, or in line with my own beliefs, I've never considered it my place to exert any greater type of censorship than changing the channel, or better yet - turning off the TV completely.Collection: Religious
You watch the news these days? It's unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you're immediately gonna be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected pitbull.Collection: Thinking
I've said all that I've had to say.Collection: Said
Yesterday, some hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shaftesbury.Collection: Yesterday
What are you reading for?Collection: Reading
I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York... Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye, you lizard scum! Bye!Collection: New York
To me, Texas is Austin, a bunch of cool people trying to make a difference.Collection: Texas
How many of y'all wondered, like I did, during the LA riots when those people were being pulled out of their trucks and beaten half to death - step on the f***ing gas, man! They're on foot, you're in a truck - I think I see a way out of this.Collection: Men