Bill Hicks
You all saw him - he had a gun.Collection: Gun
How dare you have wino tell me not to do drugs.Collection: Drug
It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy... I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet.Collection: Children
So scary watching the news...Like Iraq...could ever under any stretch of the imagination be any threat to us whatsoever.Collection: Iraq
Oh--won't we party hard when L.A. goes kersplash?...L.A. fell in the ocean?... There is a God. He loves us all so much.Collection: Party
And I'm not getting laid! What am I doing wrong?Collection: Getting Laid
It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy.Collection: Jesus
Keith Richards outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health-nut dude. The plot thickens.Collection: Nuts
They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic ConsumerCollection: Want
not all drugs are good.. some of them are greatCollection: Drug
I go to dance clubs...about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going 'God, what idiots!'Collection: Years
The waitress comes over to me like, 'What'chu readin' for?' I had never been asked that. Not 'What am I reading?' but 'What am I reading for?' Goddammit, you stumped me. Hmm, why do I read? I suppose I read for a lot of reasons, one of the main ones being so I don't end up being a... waffle waitress.Collection: Book
It's an insane world, and I'm proud to be a part of it.Collection: Insane World
What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn't it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, It's gonna be worth it!.Collection: Boys
What's gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we're all one. Ha ha ha ha ha! It's gonna fuck up the economy! The economy that's fake anyway! Ha ha ha! Which would be a real bummer. You know. You can see why the government's cracking down... on the idea of experiencing unconditional love, ah.Collection: Government
I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.Collection: Funny
I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.Collection: Funny
I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind's sole purpose on this planet.Collection: Believe
Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally on our planet, serves a thousand different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying that God made a mistake.Collection: Mistake
Go back to bed America, your government is in control again. Go back to bed America... you are free to do as we tell you... you are free to do as we tell you.Collection: Government
I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution.Collection: Believe
I was told when I grew up I could be anything I wanted: a fireman, a policeman, a doctor - even President, it seemed. And for the first time in the history of mankind, something new, called an astronaut. But like so many kids brought up on a steady diet of Westerns, I always wanted to be the avenging cowboy hero - that lone voice in the wilderness, fighting corruption and evil wherever I found it, and standing for freedom, truth and justice. And in my heart of hearts I still track the remnants of that dream wherever I go, in my endless ride into the setting sun.Collection: Dream
Sometimes my dad even gets on this kick--'You hate this country'....I have to tell him...I just hate being lied to.Collection: Country
I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God. And I say no, it's not, Dad. Well, I believe that it is. Well, you know, some people believe they're Napoleon. That's fine. Beliefs are neat. Cherish them, but don't share them like they're the truth.Collection: Dad
That's why I always recommend a psychedelic experience because it makes you realize that all you've learned is in fact just learned and not necessarily the truth.Collection: Drug
What does an atheist scream when they come?Collection: Atheist
To me pornography is...spending all your money and not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons.Collection: America
I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego.Collection: Giving
I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.Collection: Believe
People tell me, 'Bill, let it go. The Kennedy assassination was years ago. It was just the assassination of a President and the hijacking of our government by a totalitarian regime - who cares? Just let it go.' I say, 'All right then. That whole Jesus thing? Let it go! It was 2,000 years ago! Who cares?'Collection: Jesus
How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? ...Seventy percent. What the fuck? Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?Collection: Jobs
I don't care if you're obscene, filthy, horrendous -- as long as you're honest.Collection: Long
It's not a war on drugs, it's a war on personal freedom.Collection: War
There is a 3rd point of view on the gun control issue - those who I refer to as THE VICTIMS - but they remain strangely silent.Collection: Gun
People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.Collection: Funny
I think it's interesting how people act on their beliefs. A lot of Christians, for instance, wear crosses around their necks. Nice sentiment, but do you think when Jesus comes back, he's really going to want to look at a cross?Collection: Christian
They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.Collection: Life
I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.Collection: Funny
Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me.".Collection: Believe
I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.Collection: Sleep
Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god's infinite love.Collection: Atheist
Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.Collection: Funny
Laughter makes the bitter swallowing of truth, for some, a little easier.Collection: Laughter
Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um - they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?Collection: Revolutionary Ideas
Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid.Collection: Stupid
People say to me, Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves. Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps... sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day?Collection: Self Esteem
I've learned a lot about women. I think I've learned exactly how the fall of man occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we'll never age, we'll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them. And Eve said, Yeah... it's just not enough is it?Collection: Dream
That's starting to depress me about UFOs. The fact that they cross galaxies...and always end up in places like Fyfe, Alabama.Collection: Depressing
Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.Collection: Miracle