Elayne Boosler
Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?Collection: Food
I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'Collection: Thankful
I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.Collection: Thankful
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.Collection: Funny
I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.Collection: Alone
We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face.Collection: Food
I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.Collection: Thankful
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.Collection: Funny
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.Collection: Mom
I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.Collection: Thankful
My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.
My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.
Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'
Horse racing is waning in popularity.
I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naive hope.
Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.
When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.
Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.
The message of great art is to disturb.
You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.
I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.
I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.
A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.
When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star.
I've never been able to write for stand-up.
I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.
I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with.
I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.
I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.
San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.
I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.
I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.
I like to go after the foibles, basically of beliefs that are held without question. If people still want to believe in their stuff after that, that's great - as long as they just have a chance to step back and look at it for a second. Sometimes, you don't even realize what you've been thinking for 20 years.
For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.
It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.
There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.
I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.
I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.
I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.
I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.
I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?
I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.
Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.