Ron White
The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant.Collection: Funny
The next time you have a thought... let it go.Collection: Funny
The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.Collection: Learning
There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.Collection: Diet
Movies are boring. It's like watching paint dry. I did a little role in a movie, and it was eight lines. I was there for three days. It's just horrible. Television is 15 hour days. Movies are 18 hour days. And it's 18 hours of doing not a thing.Collection: Movies
I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.Collection: Wisdom
I do a lot of gay-friendly stuff in my show, and men, women, they all love it. I practice non-judgment in my daily life and hope other people do the same thing.Collection: Women
My uncle was a preacher, and I used to go watch him preach. He was also funny, so I'm very 'preacher-ish' on stage, not by intent but because that's where I learned to talk in front of people.Collection: Funny
My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.Collection: Pet
When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.Collection: Dad
I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship.Collection: Positive
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.Collection: Life
I was talking to a guy who was holding his 18-month-old daughter with the only limb he had left, and he had a smile on his face. I thought, 'I'm not even a 10th of this man.'Collection: Smile
Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.Collection: Death
I've got a role in the new Billy Bob Thornton movie that Billy Bob wrote and is going to direct called 'Jayne Mansfield's Car.' I only have four scenes, but I have as much dialogue as anybody in the movie.Collection: Car
Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.Collection: Good
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
You can't fix stupid.
There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.
I was by far the least popular of the Blue Collar crew when we started. There was a definite pecking order, and everybody knew it.
Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!
There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between.
There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.
I've been married a few times. I'm not good at it.
My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers.
People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.
I get e-mail from all over the world, and from lawyers and doctors and whoever - plumbers and drywall hangers.
My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Which is not that easy to do.
When I was a kid, mostly I played in a ditch that didn't have much water in it. It was for drainage purposes. There was not a lot trouble to get into in that ditch. It was ditch activities like catching crawdads and minnows.
I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.
Pace, rhythm and timing. Pace, rhythm and timing is what it's about. The content's got to be great, but then it's got to be delivered. It's a tricky thing to do, and it takes a lot of work.
We always go out looking for live music after our shows.
I love Cincinnati, but you can keep that spaghetti chili product!
I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.
I'm not the judge of who that is, but I am a believer that no debt in the universe goes unpaid. If you try to buy early, you'll pay late.
You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.
I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.
I was a little one-trick pony. I do what I've always done. That's really where my best stuff comes from. I don't know how it happens. It just happens.
My life has been wild enough to derive all of the stories you need out of it. I've been through many, many years of behavioral problems, so I don't really look outside for stories.
I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.
I pretty much give both barrels every time I walk on stage.
I'm not willing to drag my fans down a road I don't believe in. That's just my one little principle. I've only got one, and that's it.
Comedy is all about the pause.
I write these shows one joke at a time. There's no continuity. I do try to figure an order to the stories, but there's not continuity.
I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.
You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.
My goal is just to become a better comedian.
Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.
I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.
I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.