Woody Allen
Hey listen -- I've proved a lot of things. That's how I pay my rent. Theories and little observations. A puckish remark now and then. Occasional maxims. It beats picking olives, but let's not get carried away.Collection: Hey
90 per cent of success is turning up.Collection: Cents
I said this to my daughter, if you don't practice the guitar, when you get older you wouldn't be able to play it. It's that simple. If you want to play the guitar, you put a half hour in everyday, but you have to do it.Collection: Daughter
If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out.Collection: God
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.Collection: Funny
Who's the bigger idiot, the idiot or the idiot who gets fooled by the idiot?Collection: Idiot
Chastity is curable, if detected early.Collection: Chastity
I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.Collection: God
I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't wantCollection: Want
Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad.Collection: Men
Everybody knows how awful the world is and what a terrible situation it is and each person distorts it in a certain way that enables him to get through. Some people distort it with religious things. Some people distort it with sports, with money, with love, with art, and they all have their own nonsense about what makes it meaningful, and all but nothing makes it meaningful. These things definitely serve a certain function, but in the end they all fail to give life meaning and everyone goes to his grave in a meaningless way.Collection: Meaningful
Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.Collection: Witty
I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.Collection: Feelings
Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.Collection: Hot
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lotCollection: Thinking
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer. Not to love is to suffer.Collection: Love Is
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.Collection: Funny
I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.Collection: Witty
The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.Collection: Witty
Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.Collection: Love
My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it.Collection: Remains
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.Collection: Funny
There's no way to prove that there is no God. You just have to take it on faith.Collection: Way
Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.Collection: Orange
Life is a tragedy filled with suffering and despair and yet some people do manage to avoid jury duty.Collection: People
The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.Collection: Sleep
Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthdayCollection: Sleep
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.Collection: Love
Writing is great because in the writing you never have to... First of all you never have to leave your home. And you never have to meet the test of reality when you're writing.Collection: Writing
If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.Collection: Witty
What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!Collection: Funny
How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?Collection: Funny
It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?Collection: Lying
A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.Collection: Witty
How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't know how the can-opener works.Collection: Understanding
I don't get depressed; I grow a tumor instead.Collection: Grows
When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said rabies. She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets... I thought she'd been bitten by a Great Dane.Collection: Mother
You use sex to express every emotion except love.Collection: Sex
All literature is a footnote to Faust. I have no idea what I mean by that.Collection: Mean
When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.Collection: Funny
It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.Collection: Sarcastic
The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?Collection: Philosophy
And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.Collection: Teeth
Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.Collection: Annie Hall
It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.Collection: Life
Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end.Collection: Boredom
There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn't all that important.Collection: Sex
My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.Collection: Beautiful
The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don't.Collection: Silly