Woody Allen
I'm sure there are people in Hollywood, whose main drive in film is to make money, who will feel that any use of the word hijacking or any reference to anything violent or remotely associated with the terrible tragedy that occurred will lose customers for them. And that will be the only criterion that will matter and so they'll force the minions that work for them to remove these things from their movies, or not make movies about that subject.Collection: People
A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.Collection: Self
The film studios learned to our dismay but to their pleasure that if they spent $200 million making a film they could make half a billion on it. So they were not interested anymore in quality films... They can't afford to be that risky at those prices. Consequently you're getting a lot of remakes, sequels, dopey comedies full of toilet jokes...Collection: Quality
Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.Collection: Witty
The roe is reputed to sleep for a thousand years and then suddenly rise in flames, particularly if it was smoking when it dozed off.Collection: Sleep
I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.Collection: Witty
My mother never had time for me. When you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention.Collection: Mother
I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.Collection: Believe
If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.Collection: Sex
I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.Collection: Relationship
You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only-only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.Collection: Art
I love baseball. You know, it doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s just very beautiful to watch.Collection: Beautiful
In the shower, with the hot water coming down, you've left the real world behind, and very frequently things open up for you. It's the change of venue, the unblocking the attempt to force the ideas that's crippling you when you're trying to write.Collection: Real
Ninety percent of life is just showing up.Collection: Fitness Motivational
I'm so excited-I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.Collection: Thinking
No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.Collection: Thinking
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.Collection: Movie
My father worked for the same firm for 12 years. They fired him and replaced him with a tiny gadget that does everything my father does, only much better. The depressing thing is my mother ran out and bought oneCollection: Mother
Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.Collection: Here And There
Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue.Collection: Funny
Figures tell us there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano.Collection: Funny
Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.Collection: Sunset
You can learn technological things, you can learn about specific things, but the real problems that people deal with in any subject, existential subjects or romantic subjects, you never learn anything. So you make a fool of yourself when you're 20, you make a fool of yourself at 40, at 60 at 80. The ancient Greeks were dealing with these problems. They screwed up all the time. People do now.Collection: Real
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.Collection: Girl
The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right.Collection: Sex
To me nature is... spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating... It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.Collection: Animal
In formulating any philosophy the first consideration must always be: What can we know? That is, what can we be sure we know, or sure that we know we knew it, if indeed it is at all knowable. Or have we simply forgotten it and are too embarrassed to say anything? Descartes hinted at the problem when he wrote, 'My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly with my legs.Collection: Philosophy
I loathed every day and regret every moment I spent in a school.Collection: Regret
As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.Collection: Funny
I foresee death by culture shock.Collection: Culture
People are always talking about the dumbing down of the country.Collection: Country
Is Knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know?Collection: Knows
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.Collection: Funny
I hope you're getting this down.Collection: Happy Love
Can you believe that? She says I'm not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?Collection: Believe
I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.Collection: Softball
If you're born with a gift, to behave like it's an achievement is not right.Collection: Achievement
Over the years I've never written or made movies about political themes 'cause while they do have current critical importance, in the large, large scheme of things, only the big questions matter and the answers to those big questions are very, very depressing.Collection: Depressing
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.Collection: Love
Not think of death as an end, but think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.Collection: Inspirational
I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.Collection: Girl
There's no rhyme or reason to anything that I do. It's whatever seems right at the time.Collection: Reason
If the world is a progressively realized community of interpretation, then either quadruplictity will drink procrastination or, provided that the nothing negates, boredom will ensue seldom more often than frequently.Collection: Procrastination
I do believe that reality is dreadful and that you are forced to choose it in the end or go crazy, but that it kills you.Collection: Crazy
If I could only see one miracle, just one miracle. Like a burning bush, or the seas part, or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.Collection: Uncles
Human existence is a brutal experience to me... it's a brutal, meaningless experience - an agonizing, meaningless experience with some oases, delight, some charm and peace, but these are just small oases. Overall, it is a brutal, terrible experience, and so it salvation is what can you do to alleviate the agony of the human condition, the human predicament? That is what interests me the most.Collection: Agony
Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.Collection: Life
Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.Collection: Witty
If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.Collection: Funny