Woody Allen
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.Collection: Witty
This stuff tastes awful; I could have made a fortune selling it in my health-food store.Collection: Stuff
When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.Collection: Mistake
Until you've been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon - you've never been kissed.Collection: Afternoon
I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case.Collection: Funny
My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.Collection: Years
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.Collection: Sex
I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her.Collection: Home
My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.Collection: Wife
Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!Collection: Witty
If you aren't failing, you aren't trying.Collection: Trying
What I do know about physics is that to a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.Collection: Funny
I want to return to the womb, anyone's.Collection: Want
Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.Collection: Dying
Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.Collection: Brother
Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.Collection: Witty
Every success is built on the ability to do better than good enough. As you climb the ladder of success, be sure it's leaning against the right building. Eighty percent of success is showing up.Collection: Ladders
The heart wants what it wants.Collection: Witty
What was the scandal? I fell in love with this girl, married her. We have been married for almost 15 years now.Collection: Girl
My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.Collection: Film
This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?Collection: Stars
I read in self-defense.Collection: Self
I, interestingly, had dated a woman in the Eisenhower Administration briefly, and it was ironic to me 'cause I was trying to do toher what Eisenhower has been doing to the country for the last eight years.Collection: Country
I sued American Apparel because they calculatingly took my name, my likeness and image and used them publicly to promote their business.Collection: Hipster
I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.Collection: Funny
When I'm not working, I think and I think when I get depressed.Collection: Thinking
Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?Collection: Mind
My parents were very Old World. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.Collection: Heart
I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend.Collection: Believe
I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.Collection: Annie Hall
I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.Collection: Enjoy
I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. I'm 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.Collection: Years
The chief problem about death ... is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought.Collection: Depressing
My heart says one thing. My head says another. Very hard to get your heart and head together in life.Collection: Heart
I have a hyper-active imagination, my mind tends to jump around a little, and I have some trouble between fantasy and reality.Collection: Reality
I don't inhale because it gives you cancer, but I look so incredibly handsome with a cigarette that I can't not hold one.Collection: Cancer
The movie is usually, for me, something organic that grows all the time. I sit home and write it, and I'm in an isolated, four-walled environment, and I don't know what's going on. I just write it, and it's appearing in my head in some idealized way where every single moment works, and every little thing is perfect, because it's in my head.Collection: Single Mom
Film is more of novelty, because I've done so much theater over many years. I'm in love with making movies. Also, I find it easier to remember three minutes of dialogue than three hours.Collection: Years
When I started out, I was a television writer, and we wrote a television show that was on live every week. And you didn't have the luxury of coming in and waiting to be inspired. You came in and you had to write. And you wrote, because it was going to be live on the air. So I can do that.Collection: Writing
One filmmaker makes films that are deep, intellectual, profound and confrontational. And the other one makes purely vacuous, escapist films. I'm not sure the one who makes escapist films is making a poorer contribution than the one who makes the deeper films.Collection: Profound
I wish my parents had raised me in Manhattan because I think it's the greatest thing you can do for a kid is to raise them in New York City. I can see this with my own children.Collection: New York
I've been escaping my whole life. Since I was a little child, I escaped into the movies on the other side as an audience member. I escaped by going into the movies and sitting in the movies all day long.Collection: Children
Sometimes the critics will like a film, and the public doesn't come. Sometimes the critics won't like the film, and the public will come. It's completely spontaneous. It's a hazard.Collection: Hazards
If I could just hope to have a major talent, then I would rather have it in music than in any other field.Collection: Fields
Your audience teaches you how to be funny.Collection: Teach
If you don't have fun doing the film, then the results of the film will never give you any fun.Collection: Fun
I've always been lucky in casting. The trick in casting is to hire great people, and let them do what they do, don't interfere with them too much. And then when they're great, take credit for it in the end.Collection: People
Change is almost always negative. Things degenerate.Collection: Negative
I don't believe in competition for artistic things. I just like the atmosphere of the Cannes festival. I don't want to win anything or lose anything.Collection: Believe