Woody Allen
Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.Collection: Romantic
I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.Collection: Witty
Spencer was searching for a woman interested in gold, inorganic chemistry, outdoor sex and the music of Bach. In short, he was looking for himself, only female.Collection: Sex
Geez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts.Collection: Enjoy It While It Lasts
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?Collection: Funny
I'm giving [my analyst] one more year--then I'm going to Lourdes.Collection: Years
I've never felt Truth was Beauty. Never. I've always felt that people can't take too much reality. I like being in Ingmar Bergman's world. Or in Louis Armstrong's world. Or in the world of the New York Knicks. Because it's not this world. You spend your whole life searching for a way out. You just get an overdose of reality, you know, and it's a terrible thing. I'm always fighting against reality.Collection: New York
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.Collection: Love
Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals.Collection: Education
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.Collection: Witty
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.Collection: Funny
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.Collection: Honesty
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.Collection: Funny
All i have in my life is my imaginationCollection: Imagination
Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.Collection: School
People think I'm an artist because my films lose money.Collection: Artist
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.Collection: Witty
What if the worst is true? What if there's no God, and you only go around once, and that's it? Don't you want to be a part of the experience? You know, what the hell? It's not all a drag, and I'm thinking to myself: Geez! I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, you know, after-who knows? Maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know that maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have.Collection: Witty
This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don’t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.Collection: Witty
I can't with any conscience argue for New York with anyone. It's like Calcutta. But I love the city in an emotional, irrational way, like loving your mother or your father even though they're a drunk or a thief. I've loved the city my whole life - to me, it's like a great woman.Collection: Mother
Sentence structure is innate, but whining is acquired.Collection: Writing
It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.Collection: Dance
In the event of war, I'm a hostage.Collection: War
What people who don't write don't understand is that they think you make up the line consciously — but you don't. It proceeds from your unconscious. So it's the same surprise to you when it emerges as it is to the audience when the comic says it. I don't think of the joke and then say it. I say it and then realize what I've said. And I laugh at it, because I'm hearing it for the first time myself.Collection: Writing
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.Collection: Witty
I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.Collection: Witty
You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don't always win.Collection: Winning
I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don't care about the films. I don't care if they're flushed down the toilet after I die.Collection: Care
People ask me whether I think that one day I might wake up one morning and run dry, but I've had the opposite feeling - that I would die before I had time to write all the ideas in my drawer.Collection: Running
Humorists always sit at the children's table.Collection: Children
The whole thrust of science and the medical profession is to try and prevent it from happening, to try to prolong life, to keep you from dying, to keep you from getting older, to rejuvenate you. I mean, that's everybody's wish. The fountain of youth is everybody's sought-after thing.Collection: Mean
Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.Collection: Names
When you work from city to city or country to country, you work the same way; the working method is the same.Collection: Country
She had been critical of his new torch song, "A Side Order of Heartache, Please," suggesting it could be used as a good way to break in their new paper shredder.Collection: Funny
Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.Collection: Funny
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.Collection: Maturity
When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for a while.Collection: Business
Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allen Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.Collection: Sex
I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles.Collection: Religious
The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.Collection: Heart
When one chooses to be a writer, psychologically there's a reason for that because you like the isolation and you like to be by yourself and you are by nature timid.Collection: Isolation
It seems to me that making escapist films might be a better service to people than making intellectual ones and making films that deal with issues. It might be better to just make escapist comedies that don't touch on any issues. The people just get a cool lemonade, and then they go out refreshed, they enjoy themselves, they forget how awful things are and it helps them - it strengthens them to get through the day.Collection: Issues
I'm generally not a social dramatist or comedy writer. My interests have always been more in psychological stories or personal relations and comic ideas.Collection: Ideas
Cynicism is reality with an alternate spelling.Collection: Reality
If you are not failing now and again, its a sign you are not doing anything very innovativeCollection: Failing
I am told the settlement of $5 million I am being paid is the largest amount ever paid under the New York right to privacy lawCollection: New York
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.Collection: Night
Money is not everything, but it is better than having one's health.Collection: Money
Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.Collection: Sex