Wanda Sykes
My neighbor, she invited me to an Elvis party. I told her I couldn't come 'cause I'd be too busy making fun of her from behind my blinds.Collection: Fun
That's what they want: two women. Fellas, I think that's a bit lofty. Because, come on, think about it - if you can't satisfy that one woman, why do you want to piss off another one? Why have two angry women in the bed with you at the same time? And think about it - you know how much you hate to talk after sex, imagine having two women just nagging you to death.Collection: Sex
I always had one goal, and that was to be a real funny stand-up comic, and that's pretty much what I'm doing. And everything else is kind of like gravy - TV, movies.Collection: Real
I think the most difficult thing about coming out is just getting to that place where you're comfortable with who you are and you're sayin' hey this is ok and just accepting yourself and not caring what other people think. Because if you don't have that confidence in who you are then, if things don't go the way you wish that they will, you know if people aren't accepting then they can easily tear you down if you're not prepared and comfortable with who you are.Collection: Caring
I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.Collection: Girl
I'm a comedian so I'm not waiting around for someone to write a part for me. I don't have to wait for somebody else to create my next job; I have the ability to basically write my own ticket.Collection: Jobs
Since when did I become the spokesperson for nappy-headed hos?Collection: Nappies
Being gay is harder than being black. I didn't have to come out black. I didn't have to tell my parents about what its like to be black.Collection: Gay
When my parents send me emails the first 3 are blank.Collection: Parent
I think maybe Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker. But he was just so strung out on Oxycontin he missed his flight. Rush Limbaugh, 'I hope the country fails' - I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? ... He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.Collection: Country
With a black president, I can relax... I can dance in public... I can buy a whole watermelon now.Collection: Black
That's proof right there that men and women are on different levels because men can watch two women together and that's a turn-on. It doesn't work the same way for us, does it, ladies? No, uh-uh - it doesn't work the same. You ask any woman in here her sexual fantasy, and I will bet you a million dollars that it's NOT to go home and catch your man bent over with some big, burly guy standing behind him.Collection: Home
Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots. But then you got some black people that just don't give a damn. You tell them, 'Hey, I just got back from the motherland.' "They're like, 'Where'd you go - Detroit? Did you see The Temptations?'Collection: Damn You
Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.Collection: Lazy
How can you stop people from loving each other? How can you get upset about loving?Collection: People
If you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.Collection: Passion
I'm like, If you do something dumb, I'll write about it. If you put something out there, to me it's like you're kind of asking for it.Collection: Writing
Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.Collection: Thinking
I was really gifted at being able to construct a joke, but it's like they weren't even memorable, my first jokes, because they were so about nothing.Collection: Memorable
There's times when I'm really shy, so these roles that I get to play, they're how I would love to really be. And that's why I love doing stand-up, because it gives me the freedom to say what I really want to say. I think that's why it's my favorite thing to do.Collection: Thinking
That word sassy - it haunts me. I keep getting the sassy thing.Collection: Sassy
Women and our right to choose were going to be challenged with Ashcroft around. When Bush appointed Ashcroft, I went out and got me four abortions. I stocked up. The doctor was like, "Listen, you're not pregnant." I said, "Hey, just shut up and do your job. I'm exercising my right while I can, dammit.Collection: Jobs
white criminals commit the biggest crimes.a brother might rob a bank. a white man will rob a pension fund. the brother is going to get ten to fifteen years because he had a gun. the white guy is going to get a congressional hearing because he had a job and a nice suit.Collection: Brother
L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.Collection: Hate
I had top-secret clearance and everything. I was working on a couple of projects that would keep me involved in Desert Storm. I was in the mix, which is scary.Collection: Couple
Mostly everything gets worse before it gets better.Collection: Get Better
Lot Of Strip Clubs in Florida... Good grief... Florida has so many strip clubs, they need to change their state flag to a brass pole.Collection: Grief
We got to stop doing that, ladies. You know, men are dogs. Men are dogs. We got to stop it. Men are not dogs. Uh-uh. Dogs are loyal.Collection: Dog
We never hid anything from the kids. I feel whole again, I really do. I've told them, 'Mommy's boo-boo is much better now.'Collection: Cancer
Should I talk about [having breast cancer]? Because how many things could I have? You know black, lesbian - I'm like, I can't be the poster child for everything. At least with the LGBT issues we get a parade and a float and it's a party.Collection: Children
I feel today's society is so judgmental.Collection: Today's Society
Yeah, I had top-secret clearance and everything.Collection: Secret
You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.Collection: Jobs
People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.Collection: Regret
I'm going to leave The Wanda Sykes Show and try to get her job because $5 million ain't too bad!Collection: Jobs
As a comedian I don't think they look at me as a sexual person but I can see where with actors it would be a little difficult for them because its part of their mystique, it gives them an easier time to change characters and people aren't going oh we have a gay actor, their gay so I don't know if I'm gunna buy this guy with this girl, its weird, I don't think it's fair; it's only done with us, it seems, like they just accept everyone as straight and go along with it and then its oh their gay and make a big deal out of it.Collection: Girl
Ok so there's no TV shows, no movies going on fine, but I love going on stage and performing stand up so my situation is a little better than someone who's strictly just an actor or actress.Collection: Tv Shows
Whatever I talk about is what I'm interested in at the time. Politics are big with me. But right now being a mom is taking up most of my time... My act is more family-oriented than it is about politics.Collection: Mom
There are just so many more laws and rules that apply with marriage that do not come with domestic partnership and also to me it's the commitment.Collection: Commitment
You know what, I think maybe it's because men like to fart, and the host wants to be able to sit in his writers' room and just pass gas freely. Me, I'm a lady. I'm dainty. I know to get up and leave the room and go to my office.Collection: Men
I think the worst one [indian mascot] is the Cleveland Indians' Big Chief Wahoo. It's just a red face on a baseball with a big, toothy grin. It's the Sambo of all other offensive mascots. I have never seen a Native American smile that hard before, not even at a casino opening.Collection: Baseball
I sat down and wrote some jokes and went to the talent show, got up on stage, fell in love with it and never turned back.Collection: Down And
Whether you have a show or not, you can still be somewhere being funny.Collection: Shows
But I understand that relationship; I understand how the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship has so many conflicts because it's so forced.Collection: Daughter
Writers get to stay with the piece. They don't just turn the script in and somebody else takes it over and goes out and produces it and edits it and all that stuff. We stay with the piece all the way through.Collection: Pieces
Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker. I hope his kidneys fail.Collection: Kidneys
Good comics stick around. There are people who have TV shows that might be successful, but comics can't really fake it. If you say, 'Hey, I love what you guys are doing - you're funny,' then you're in. It's legit.Collection: Successful
I have a well-balanced show. It's 50/50 on men/women, and also African-American/white writers, it's the same thing. I have four African-American writers, and four non-African-American writers.Collection: Men
All these teenagers tell us how much they want to grow up and then when they do they want to be young again.Collection: Growing Up