Fran Lebowitz
I have a real aversion to machines. I write with a pen. Then I read it to someone who writes it onto the computer. What are those computer letters made of anyway? Light? Too insubstantial. Paper, you can feel it. A pen. There's a connection. A pen goes exactly at your speed, whereas that machine jumps. And then, that machine is waiting for you, just humming "uh-huh, yes?Collection: Real
There were a zillion bad jobs. That doesn't exist any more. I mean, I could wake up one afternoon with zero money and know that by the end of the day, I would have money.Collection: Jobs
New York was always more expensive than any other place in the United States, but you could live in New York - and by New York, I mean Manhattan. Brooklyn was the borough of grandparents. We didn't live well. We lived in these horrible places. But you could live in New York. And you didn't have to think about money every second.Collection: New York
In New York, people are very overbooked.You say, When do you want to have dinner? It's May. They say, What about October? And then they complain: Oh you can't believe how booked up I am.Collection: New York
I think humor is warmer, and wit is colder. Wit is judgment, whereas humor invites some sort of response.Collection: Thinking
I think writing for me has always been a matter of fear. Writing is fear and not writing is fear. I am afraid of writing and then I'm afraid of not writing.Collection: Writing
I've always been old at heart.Collection: Heart
I never would start writing before midnight and I would finish at, like, seven in the morning.Collection: Morning
New York City is filled with the same kind of people I left New Jersey to get away from.Collection: New York
I never had a typewriter. I never had any machines.Collection: Typewriters
No one I knew talked about money. It's not an area of interest.Collection: Interest
I write a sentence a thousand times, changing it all the time to look at it in different ways.Collection: Writing
I'm such a slow writer I have no need for anything as fast as a word processor. I don't need anything so snappy. I write so slowly that I could write in my own blood without hurting myself.Collection: Hurt
I have a double policy, which would also solve immigration: I would stand at the border of New York City and I would say, "You can come here to live, but you can't come here to visit."Collection: New York
Without these tourists, New York would be fantastic. I don't want them to come. Stay home!Collection: New York
Commercials and sometimes other guests - it's the down side of TV. Other people - it's the downside of life in general.Collection: People
[On parenthood:] You can't change your mind--you know, and say, this isn't working out, let's sell.Collection: Work Out
[On the writers she admires:] I prefer dead writers, because I don't see them at parties.Collection: Party
The great thing about New Jersey is that it's close to New York.Collection: New York
Smoking is, as far as I am concerned, the entire point of being an adult. Many people find smoking objectionable. I myself find many - even more - things objectionable. I do not like aftershave lotion, adults who roller-skate, children who speak French, or anyone who is unduly tan. I do not, however, go around enacting legislation and putting up signs.Collection: Children
New York's not exactly antiseptic. It could be clean and less dangerous, and not horrible, not under a tidal wave of tourists.Collection: New York
Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.Collection: Maturity
All of television's appalling, but this is hardly a new statement.Collection: Television
Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one.Collection: Funny Love
No one's supposed to be the president. This is not England. And it's not just the Bush family, all families designate each child as having some particular trait.Collection: Children
To lose yourself in a book is the desire of the bookworm. I mean to be taken. That is my desire.Collection: Book
I could not possibly be in a relationship now for more than six days. When I was younger, I might have said six months, although I think the longest relationship I was ever in was three years.Collection: Thinking
A community is a butcher and a doctor, a minister, a town troublemaker. A "community" is not a bunch of people united by some grievance. That's just self-righteousness - incredibly dangerous and antidemocratic.Collection: Doctors
When Toni Morrison said 'write the book you want to read,' she didn't mean everybody.Collection: Book
I'm sure that being sober all these years accounts for my ill humor.Collection: Years
I used to buy all my shirts at Brooks Brothers, but that was completely ruined about 20 years ago. They discontinued the shirt I liked. If I had only known this - I mean, if you're going to discontinue an item that thousands and thousands of people buy, announce it. Say, 'We will no longer be making our excellent Brooks Brothers cotton shirts that we made for 5,000 years. We're going to change them in some awful way. We're alerting you so you can buy a lifetime supply.' Shirts don't go bad, they're not peaches.Collection: Brother
If, while watching the sun set on a used-car lot in Los Angeles, you are struck by the parallels between this image and the inevitable fate of humanity, do not, under any circumstances, write it down.Collection: Writing
Children are rarely in the position to lend one a truly interesting sum of money. There are, however, exceptions, and such children are an excellent addition to any party.Collection: Children
It is, in fact, safe to assume that, more often than not, life imitates craft, for who among us can say that our experience does not more closely resemble a macramé plant holder than it does a painting by Seurat. When it comes to art, life is the biggest copycat in the matter of the frame.Collection: Art
Smoking is, if not my life, then at least my hobby. I love to smoke. Smoking is fun. Smoking is cool. Smoking is, as far as I am concerned, the entire point of being an adult.Collection: Fun
If you feel the urge to write, just lie down and read a book: it will pass.Collection: Lying
There's no such thing as advice to the lovelorn. If they took advice, they wouldn't be lovelorn. You see, advice and lovelorn don't go together. Because advice makes love sound like some sort of cognitive activity, but we know that it isn't. We all know that it's some sort of horrible chemical reaction over which we have absolutely no control. And that's why advice doesn't work.Collection: Advice
Whenever someone accuses someone of being a racist - which is rare, you have to admit, considering how much racism there is - there is an incredible outrage. I realized that we live in an environment that it seems to be worse to call someone a racist than to be one.Collection: Racism
It's very important who the president of the United States is. America is a great idea, so that's why it's a great country.Collection: Country
...I believed passionately that Communists were a race of horned men who divided their time equally between the burning of Nancy Drew books and the devising of a plan of nuclear attack that would land the largest and most lethal bomb squarely upon the third-grade class of Thomas Jefferson School in Morristown, New Jersey.Collection: War
I have a hard time writing. Most writers have a hard time writing. I have a harder time than most because I'm lazier than most. [...] The other problem I have is fear of writing. The act of writing puts you in confrontation with yourself, which is why I think writers assiduously avoid writing. [...] Not writing is more of a psychological problem than a writing problem. All the time I'm not writing I feel like a criminal. [...] It's horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. Especially when it goes on for years. It's much more relaxing actually to work.Collection: Writing
Smoking is, if not my life, then at least my hobby. I love to smoke. Smoking is fun. Smoking is cool. Smoking is, as far as I am concerned, the entire point of being an adult. It makes growing up genuinely worthwhile. I am quite well aware of the hazards of smoking. Smoking is not a healthful pastime, it is true. Smoking is indeed no bracing dip in the ocean, no strenuous series of calisthenics, no two laps around the reservoir. On the other hand, smoking has to its advantage the fact that is a quiet pursuit. Smoking is, in effect a dignified sport.Collection: Sports
Maybe it's superficial to exude a sense of confidence in one's clothes. But it's also integral. We have an appearance. Not all of us are beautiful. But we can appear fine looking. So we should. Feeling good about an outfit is the point at which that outfit finally becomes good.Collection: Beautiful
I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.Collection: Inspirational
When I saw a phone on a plane for the first time, I panicked ... I thought people were going to call me.Collection: Phones
I never wanted to have any extra money, if it meant having to have any extra work.Collection: Extra Work
Any child who cannot do long division by himself does not deserve to smoke.Collection: Children
People elect the President for reasons that have nothing to do with his ability to be president.Collection: People
Lifestyle. Not a word at all, really - rather a wordette. A genuine case of more is less. ... the word life and the word style are, except in rare cases (and chances are that you're not of them), mutually exclusive.Collection: Style