Eddie Izzard
What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?Collection: Cat
I don't believe in God. I believe gods and devils are within us. It's our own battle. Our life's battle is to appeal to the gods within us, and to fight the devils within us.Collection: Believe
No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?" "Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?"Collection: Funny
I've wiped the file? .... I've wiped all the files? .... I've wiped the INTERNET? I don't even have a modem!Collection: Internet
Drag for me is costume, and what I'm trying to do is, sometimes I'll go around and wear makeup in the streets, turn up to the gig, take the makeup off, do the show, and then put the makeup back on. It's the inverse of drag. It's not about artifice. It's about me just expressing myself. So when I'm campaigning in London for politics, I campaign with makeup on and the nails. It's just what I have on, like any woman.Collection: Makeup
Peace, peace, peace. Peace is organized.Collection: Organized
I'm an Action Transvestite.Collection: Action
Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 [gibberish]. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You".Collection: Funny
If you're a performer, people tend to be quite positive about you or they have no opinion.Collection: People
I don't subscribe to the theory that all politicians are crap. I think the 'cool people' often take that position.Collection: Thinking
When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'.Collection: World
How to survive boarding school. Do not express emotion, do not feel emotion, do not have emotion. If someone hits you, hit them back, if someone argues with you, argue back, never give in an inch, never look vulnerable and you will survive.Collection: School
Little red cookbook! Little red cookbook!Collection: Littles
All humans can do more than they think they can do. So I think we can all actually be more superhuman than we think we can.Collection: Thinking
Cos people think I'm on drugs and I'm not. I'm really quite... Just a bit of coffee. When I take drugs I start going, Oh, would you like insurance?Collection: Coffee
My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.Collection: Brain
I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees putting on make-up when you're up there!Collection: Running
Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.Collection: Fun
I am someone who's very positive about business, as a social Democrat. I do like the safety net of the welfare system and people setting things and creating business, and that's what I try to do with my own work: export it around the world from the U.K.Collection: Creating
I am encyclopaedic on World War II. My dad took me to D-Day beaches when I was a kid. I was there four years ago - every five years they have a remembrance on D-Day beaches and I would have liked to have been there and done my bit.Collection: Beach
Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh ... well, until you killed them all, I suppose.Collection: Funny
If you get too well-known, you can never be a comedian's comedian, it just won't sit well. But I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that label.Collection: Comedian
Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen's. They're all frumpy aren't they? Because it's a bad idea when cousin's marry.Collection: Cousin
Most transvestites fancy girls.Collection: Girl
I can go from blokey to girlie in 15 minutes and then I'm out the door. But that's the fastest I can do it. Becoming a woman takes work.Collection: Doors
And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.Collection: Funny
If you're trying to get a bit of attention, you can smash up your hotel room or spend all your time going to openings or doing the gossip column thing. I just decided to do gigs in French, German, Spanish, and in America.Collection: America
For me to put a look together, if it's going to be a boy look or a girl look or whatever, is quite a tricky thing to do. I'm not doing drag because drag is seen in a certain way and my comedy has got zero to do with what I'm wearing. I could wear an elephant suit and say the same thing.Collection: Girl
It's not a bloody piano, it's a clarenARt...you weird talking person.Collection: Music
I am two lesbians in a man's body.Collection: Funny
I remember when I was being told about Watergate, and I thought, "Oh, America is not what I think America is." But America is what I think it is. It's just that it's two bits of it, and I don't go with the Republican bit of it. I go more with the Democratic bit.Collection: Thinking
Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!Collection: Two
Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling.Collection: Funny
When I was seven, I said, "I want to act." When I was 10, I realized that films exist, and I wanted to be in them. Not a comedian, I wanted to be a dramatic actor. Films just seemed such fun, and like such a great thing to do.Collection: Fun
Fox hunting, there's big fox hunting thing, there's arguments in Britain about fox hunting. And they go around. They obviously hunt foxes because the foxes, they attack chickens. And posh people have an alliance with chickens just like in the First World War.Collection: War
But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana!Collection: Marijuana
I love the fact that trying is respected. The American Dream: if you try, if you build it, they will come. I love that. It's honorable.Collection: Dream
You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!Collection: Moon
I want to live till I die. No more, no less.Collection: Want
I use a Bruce Lee technique: "The way of no way". He had the idea that he would learn everything, so that whoever he had to fight, he could improvise anything. The best way of starting a gig is just to not think of anything - to clear your mind, not in an empty Zen state, but more just to go on and see where you go.Collection: Fighting
This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight...one, from...here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today is a flask of coffee.Collection: Coffee
Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because... it's true! 'Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is.Collection: Girl
Spiders frighten me. In response to the spider alerts for Australia, please can the Australian government remove all spiders from Australia and blow them into outer space.Collection: Blow
Drama is a complete meal, vitamins, proteins, carbohydrates. It's a slow burn thing. It's got an arc. Comedy is more like coke.Collection: Drama
In the UK a lot of people don't like to try. There's a different cultural thing. Here [in USA] if you try and fail, you get up again and start again and keep going. People respect you for it. Even if you keep failing, they respect the tenacity.Collection: Usa
In Britain we have a very powerful tabloid culture with celebrities on the front page crying with their make-up smeared and tears, and it's kind of what you'd expect from someone who likes to dress up that way.Collection: Powerful
We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!Collection: Europe
I did bronze survival swimming. I could save people in a bronzey kind of way.Collection: Swimming