Eddie Izzard
Because that's what narcissism is all about; looking in the mirror everyday and thinking 'Damn, I'd like to shag myself.'Collection: Thinking
There's a thing about trying too hard, which I think is in all forms, which is if you really try to do things really well, you can get to a less good place than if you just let go and let it fly. Especially in creativity.Collection: Letting Go
When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.Collection: Girl
I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then."Collection: Fake People
I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over.Collection: Running
They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.Collection: Gun
They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back.Collection: Bangs
Learning that you have stamina is an excellent thing to know. If a project fails, I know I can pick myself up.Collection: Failing
Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read.Collection: People
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.Collection: Believe
Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!Collection: Country
Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"Collection: Girl
If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death.Collection: Sarcastic
Sharks are just evil bastards. I'm quite happy if all the sharks just went, because they eat fish and us. And we need the fish.Collection: Sharks
It's my manifest destiny to wear a skirt in all countries.Collection: Country
You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is FRESH! I will do well to shop here'. You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a POO shop! Everything in here is themed on POO!Collection: Thinking
I don't believe in God. So I'm a non-believer in the non-visible. I'm a believer in us; in humans.Collection: Believe
We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers.Collection: Hunters
This is a world that's big enough for everyone. I like that message in that comes out of John Lasseter, and it comes out Pixar, it comes out of the Apple, Google, the Ben and Jerry's thing. These are American companies that send that message around that is good, that is healthy. And everyone goes, "That's the America I always believed in before Watergate."Collection: Apples
Comedy is like a very cokey, druggy sugar. You get hits of comedy, and it's very, "More, give me more of that stuff," because serotonin is being released in the brain. So it's basically, everyone becomes serotonin junkies, and we are serotonin dealers. And that's what being a comedian is about.Collection: Giving
I wear whatever I want whenever I want. I don't call it drag; I don't even call it cross-dressing. It's just wearing a dress.Collection: Dresses
Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.Collection: War
I'm into humanity. I don't believe in God, but I believe in human beings.Collection: Believe
Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.Collection: Funny
If there were a god, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?Collection: Thinking
Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death - lunch - death, death, death - afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower ...' "Collection: Funny
Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.Collection: Kids
Danger could be my middle name... But it's John.Collection: Names
Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, "Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette."Collection: People
The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and silly hats.Collection: Silly
We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?Collection: Hymns
I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.Collection: Money
When you're more mature, you do start telling the truth, in odd situations. "I'm sorry, I've broken a glass here. Is that expensive? I'll pay for it. I'm sorry." And you do that so that people in the room might go, "What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities."Collection: Strong
Cake and tea or death?Collection: Cake
You say 'erbs, and we say Herbs because there's a f*****g H in it!Collection: Sarcastic
My sexuality is straight transvestite or male lesbian. It seems we are beyond the idea that I am gay and hiding it. If I had to describe how I feel in my head, I'd say I'm a complete boy plus half a girl. I don't seem to have the sixth sense that women have or their stronger senses of taste and smell. Gay men can also have it but straight men don't.Collection: Girl
Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I FANCY YOU!Collection: Eye
It's a historical thing, up to the 19th century the English hated the French. Then in the 20th century the English started to hate the Germans - as we began to move alphabetically through the map of the world. Now, the year 2000, we are fine with the Germans... but the Hungarians are pissing us off.Collection: Hate
If you think about determination, if people have a heart and are determined, they can get to that place. But there are a lot of negative people who were enormously determined. All the Nazis were determined. They wanted to murder everyone. Everyone with a bad heart, who doesn't care about people, I wish they hadn't started.Collection: Determination
My dad said, "As long as you're happy." I used to think it was kind of a very simple idea or philosophy because he wasn't religious. But you've got to try and be happy. And if you're not happy, you can't help anyone else. So obviously, some crazy people could go to places, but I just think you need to be content within yourself, so that's the thing.Collection: Religious
I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible.Collection: People
You have the American dream! The dream is to be born in a gutter and grow up, and then get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go THBBBBBT.Collection: Dream
I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing.Collection: Girl
He [Charlie Chaplin] was always playing as if it were to the camera, if you've seen the live shots of him when he's going to an opening night or something like that. And the skills that he had were beyond my ability to throw together. You just couldn't really compete with him. He was too athletic at that.Collection: Night
If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!Collection: Funny
I'm a dyslexic person, so I avoid books.Collection: Book
You're gay, you sell books... you probably shag the books.Collection: Book
Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no! So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it?Collection: Jesus