Brad Williams
I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.Collection: Hate
It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.Collection: Idiot
That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.Collection: People
If I make a joke about black people or Asian people or whatever, and then an Asian comes up to me afterwards and says, "That joke offended me," I'm still more or less not going to listen, but at least it makes sense, like I said something that was about them.Collection: People
The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A, never going to see me in the first place, or, B, were dragged to see me by somebody else.Collection: People
It's weird when people ask me, "Why are you so nice?" It's like, "Because that's just what you should do. You should be kind to people." It seems really basic, but it's amazing how many people forget that.Collection: Nice
It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.Collection: People
Everyone's going to have a racist tweet, a homophobic tweet, a xenophobic tweet, a misogynist tweet. Everyone's going to have a tweet or a post or something that's not going to be ideal, and because of that, you can't really throw stones too hard at the people that do, because if we examined your life in every way, shape, or form, went through every single post with a fine-toothed comb and under that microscope, would it come out all sunshine and lollipops?Collection: Sunshine
I don't get the animosity when someone tells a joke that you don't like. Whereas if someone made a dish that you don't like if you went to a restaurant, you would either try another dish or you just don't go back to that restaurant. But you don't say like, "I did not like the hamburger here. This restaurant should be shut down. It should be banned from making hamburgers. No one else should have these hamburgers." And everyone else is like, "No, you wouldn't do that."Collection: Should Have
Half the time, you go on any one of these news sites, whether it be a Yahoo or a Google, and one of the top headlines is always, "Did a comedian go too far?" or "Comedian offends." It's like, "Really? Comedian?" A person that's supposed to make funny and make silly and historically was the only person who was allowed to make fun of the king? We're the ones that you're taking seriously?Collection: Kings
Women feel safe with me as well they should, because not only am I morally objected at going too far, but physically I cannot do it.Collection: Safe
I was always the funny guy. Everyone wants to hang out with the funny guy.Collection: Guy
I just don't get if you have ever gotten offended by a joke, why would you go to a comedy club? That's where jokes happen.Collection: Clubs
The personal boundaries, I think for comedians they're a little bit different anyway, but I think people - feel free to do stuff - It's interesting with comedians because when we walk on stage, oftentimes we're talking about ourselves for an hour and we're talking about very intimate details, so after hearing us for an hour, a lot of people feel very comfortable with us because they feel like they know us and they're our friends because we just told them our innermost secrets and details of our lives for an hour. What they forget is we know absolutely nothing about the audience.Collection: Thinking
I don't know anything about you, so when you randomly come up and grab my ass, this isn't a friend doing it. It's like, "Who the f### is doing...? I was not expecting that."Collection: Ass
Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.Collection: Easily Offended
I've been to Canada, and they love - oh my God, they love their stand-up comedy in Canada. I've been overseas to do shows for the troops all over the Middle East, and I actually went to China recently and did shows, not for the troops, but just for local Chinese people, and Americans that have moved there, and things like that. It was fantastic. They got it. They're way smarter than we give them credit for.Collection: People
I don't know, why am I called the opposite of what I am? It's very confusing to me.Collection: Opposites
People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.Collection: People
When a soldier of the night's watch dies they say, "And now his watch is over." That's what they say when a comedian dies. They go, "And now his tour is done."Collection: Night
Freedom of speech does not mean that you have to agree with everything that a comedian says, but that comedian should have the freedom to be able to try to make that funny. It's the attempt that I'm trying to defend so hard, no necessarily the execution.Collection: Mean
I try not to be mean for the sake of being mean, and if I do do a joke or a tweet or something that is at someone's expense - and those are my fine lines; obviously they're there - I want it to be something that's pretty much across the board we all as a society agree this is bad.Collection: Mean
I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.Collection: Silly
I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told me all about it. I want to do comedy there.Collection: Country
Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.Collection: Comedian
I like to play video games, I like to keep up with sports, and I just like to spend time with people, because I'm on the road so much that when I'm home, I like to spend time with people that I don't normally get to see.Collection: Sports
I'm in awe of comics that do things that I can't do, or haven't tried doing yet.Collection: Awe
I admire ventriloquists, because I can't do that. I mean, I might get mistaken for a ventriloquist dummy every now and then, but I can't do what they do.Collection: Mean
I'm in awe of comedians that do things that I can't do, whether it be a one-liner comic like Anthony Jeselnik, whether it be social issues commentary, whether it be - hell, Carrot Top. I can't be Carrot Top. I can't.Collection: Issues
I'm constantly watching satirical news programs, and just - I never want to be in a situation where someone could yell out a topic and I will have absolutely no opinion on it whatsoever, or just not even know it exists.Collection: News
I like to talk about very different topics. I like to jump around a lot because I don't want people to come see me and then for an hour I tell jokes about being a little person. I just don't want that to happen. I understand that it's part of me, that's the first thing that you notice and it's something that people are curious about.Collection: People
There are plenty of wonderful, good fat people in the USA that have no problems being fat, who I have no problems with being fat.Collection: Usa
I was a disabled child. So, people made fun of me, don't pretend like this never happens. But at the same time, I never cried about it. I never got sad about it.Collection: Children
I don't think I'm extremely intelligent by any means.Collection: Mean
I don't know how to write jokes from the point of view of a six-foot-two guy. So, I'll always talk about it, but I just don't want it to be the absolute focus of all of my act.Collection: Writing
Women feel safe with me. Because a woman with me knows that she can stop the situation from advancing to a point that she's comfortable at any time.Collection: Safe
I would love, obviously, just to keep doing stand-up. That's the constant. That's the thing that I'm going to do for the rest of my life, but also I would like a TV show at some point.Collection: Tv Shows
I kind of want to know a little bit about everything.Collection: Want
I'm such a damn workaholic, that it's interesting to be like, "Oh, what do I do for fun?"Collection: Fun
Yeah, people do need to realize that just because they've seen me perform for an hour does not mean that we are now close.Collection: Mean
If I do talk politics it's very surface, it's not in-depth.Collection: Depth
Most of the times to be honest with you, I get sexually harassed certainly more than I do to females, because... they are comfortable with me, and because they know I can't take it to a dangerous place.Collection: Female
There is often times when I'm in a bar or after a show, and a woman just grabs my head and shoves it into her cleavage, or grabs my ass, or something like that which - don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining, but it's just interesting. It's just interesting that that occurs.Collection: Interesting
For strangers, what I get a lot is people calling me the opposite of what I am.Collection: Opposites
I don't want to be mean. I try not to be.Collection: Mean
In every other aspect of their life, we have entertainment that is crafted almost to an individual. So they expect that from stand-up as well.Collection: Entertainment
I don't get all the anger that is thrown at comedians.Collection: Comedian
Everyone just wants to hear the exact jokes that apply to them and want to - everyone wants a perfectly crafted joke for them.Collection: Want
I'm funny because I'm funny. And there's more to offer.Collection: Offers
Every now and then you'll say something that didn't quite work. But the important thing is, as a comic, you try to learn why it didn't. And then you adjust and figure out how to either make it work or just abandon it because it's just not funny.Collection: Important