Billy Connolly
I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.Collection: Thinking
Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'Collection: Father
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.Collection: Body
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?Collection: Funny
,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.Collection: Soccer
I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.Collection: People
Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it's like they're in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.Collection: Unique
Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring.Collection: Funny
I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research.Collection: School
I think comedy is difficult, and I'm amazed so many people want to do it. I'll be buying jeans and somebody will say, "I'm a comedian" - the guy selling you the jeans. The desire to be a comedian is weird. I found it weird myself to want to be one; I was a schoolboy when I wanted to be one but I didn't know how to do it. That was 50 years ago, so times have changed greatly. There seems to be a long line of people desperate to do it and most of them are quite good.Collection: Thinking
I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.Collection: Teacher
Nothing means anything here. When they pull down an outstanding building, no one objects. Oh, maybe there's a wee protest from some collectors or something who take a picture of it before it vanishes.Collection: Mean
Well, the film's not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it's pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies. I had never read anything like this until I was doing the film, but Mark [Joffe, the director] and people showed me stuff where, like a flood, it mattered where the water came from. If you're flooded from above, you get the money; if you're flooded from below, you don't. What's that about?Collection: Thinking
[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.Collection: Arriving
I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.Collection: Thinking
Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease.Collection: Media
I'm a huge film star... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f--ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f--ing Muppet movie.Collection: Stars
A fart is just your arse applauding.Collection: Funny
Don't vote, it only encourages them.Collection: Political
Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.Collection: Guy
Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.Collection: Looks
Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.Collection: Running
Don't die until you're dead.Collection: Aging
I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt.Collection: Catholic
I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't flyCollection: Air
Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.Collection: Art
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.Collection: Swimming
Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!Collection: Fire
My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.Collection: Advice
I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.Collection: Fog
Never trust people who've only got one book.Collection: Book
The more you know the less the better.Collection: Knows
When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.Collection: School
All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.Collection: Funny
Never trust anybody with only one book.Collection: Book
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!Collection: Funny
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.Collection: Humorous
I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.Collection: Drinking
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.Collection: Mcdonalds
Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."Collection: Fall
I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?Collection: Funny
In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.Collection: Funny
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.Collection: Funny
The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.Collection: Sex
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"Collection: Funny
I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.Collection: Funny
Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!Collection: Born
Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.Collection: Football
I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.Collection: Sexy