Billy Connolly
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?Collection: Funny
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"Collection: Funny
I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.Collection: Home
Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?Collection: Funny
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?Collection: Funny
Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.Collection: Sorry
I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.Collection: Catholic
I?m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America. . . . People shout: "Hey ? I know you! You're That Guy.".Collection: Names
I've always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I'm where I belong.Collection: Heart
The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex.Collection: Sex
When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.Collection: Funny
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.Collection: People
I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That's what girls do. I think I am a girl really.Collection: Girl
If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.Collection: Buckets
I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.Collection: Artist
Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.Collection: Funny
There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!Collection: Encouragement
People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.Collection: People
Acting is a different discipline. On stage I'm free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.Collection: Discipline
I've been very lucky because I've always had movies to do. So if I got bored between shows a movie would turn up.Collection: Bored
Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.Collection: Children
I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I'm desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I'm going back, but I'm not. I'd rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.Collection: Thinking
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.Collection: Crosses
When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.Collection: Real
I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.Collection: Hate
The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.Collection: Weather
I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.Collection: Years
I just believe in the movie. I don't care what the book was like. I don't care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I've got.Collection: Believe
If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.Collection: Trying
I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.Collection: Knowing
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.Collection: Hate
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.Collection: People
I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.Collection: Hands
I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.Collection: Hands
There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage.Collection: Thinking
I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.Collection: Rivers
If you're going to do an interview about a movie or anything like that, you're vulnerable. You say stupid things. Or if you're applying for a green card you feel very vulnerable and you're likely to spout out something stupid in the middle of it all.Collection: Stupid
The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you're a zombie. And you're talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.Collection: Coffee
The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.Collection: Thinking
I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.Collection: Eight
I'd never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I've been learning more about it as I've been doing interviews. I didn't even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!Collection: Home
Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.Collection: Looks
Try to live in a place you like.Collection: Trying
Don't work out, work in.Collection: Work Out
Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.Collection: Baby
I’ve come in and out of America for… well, I’ve lived here for 15 years. And I’ve played here for nearly 30 years. On and off. But I’ve always played to my fan base. And I can come and do two or three nights in New York or two or three nights in L.A., and all that. But when I go away, nobody knows I’ve been gone. You know, I don’t get reviewed or anything like that. So that’s why I’ve come back and done a longer time in a smaller place, in New York. It’s always the people who live here that get a chance to know me.Collection: New York
For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.Collection: Animal
I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.Collection: People
A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.Collection: Religious