Billy Connolly
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.Collection: Alone
I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.Collection: Funny
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.Collection: Pet
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.Collection: Marriage
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.Collection: Imagination
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.Collection: Car
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.Collection: Funny
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.Collection: Funny
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.
Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.
I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
I don't aim to offend.
I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.
I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.
I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!Collection: Inspirational
There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.Collection: Being Happy
A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.Collection: Hands
Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.Collection: People
Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.Collection: Jobs
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"Collection: Funny
I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.Collection: Growing Up
I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events; they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.Collection: Love You
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?Collection: Funny
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?Collection: Thinking
The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.Collection: Desire
And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".Collection: Funny
It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.Collection: Mind
What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!Collection: Mcdonalds
On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.Collection: Funny
A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!Collection: Mind