Bill Hicks
Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.Collection: Fear
When you're...stepping over a guy on the sidewalk...does it ever occur to you to think, 'Wow. Maybe our system doesn't work?'Collection: Thinking
It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party.Collection: Party
I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.Collection: Tired
All your beliefs, they're just that. They're nothing. They're how you were taught and raised. That doesn't make 'em real.Collection: Real
I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers die every day . . . Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality . . . You're dead too.Collection: Reality
I love talking about the Kennedy assassination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it.Collection: Lying
The role of the comedian is to say 'Wait a minute' when a consensus starts to form.Collection: Waiting
England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States...23,000 deaths from handguns. But - there's no connection.Collection: Gun
They believe the bible is the exact word of God - Then they change the bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh? "I think what God meant to say..."Collection: Believe
The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.Collection: Revolutionary Ideas
Pot is a better drug than alcohol. I'll prove it to you. You're at a ball game or a concert, and someone's really violent and agressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot?Collection: Marijuana
We are losing the 'War on Drugs,' which means there's a war going on and people on drugs are winning it.Collection: War
Just one thing I know for sure, chicks dig jerks.Collection: Jerk
I saw...a kid on a leash. You seen these people? Kid on a leash? How horrible. Put him in the pound where he belongs.Collection: Kids
The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one.Collection: Eye
I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club.Collection: Men
It's hard to have a relationship in this business...it's gonna take a very special woman...or a bunch of average ones.Collection: Average
You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well... we looked at the receipts."Collection: Funny
You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed itCollection: Real
The war on drugs to me is absolutely phoney, its so obviously phoney, ok? It's a war against our civil rights, that's all it is. They're using it to make us afraid to go out at night, afraid of each other, so that we lock ourselves in our homes and they get suspending our rights one by one.Collection: War
I...am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light...in all of us in our own minds. No middleman required.Collection: Light
Life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.Collection: Funny
I smoke to fill the potholes in my soulCollection: Funny
Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here's my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride ...Collection: Scary
It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me...oxygen tent, iron lung.Collection: Oxygen
The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortionsCollection: Funny
I've had good times on drugs...bad times on drugs...But I've had good and bad relationships...and I'm not giving up pussy.Collection: Giving Up
Dinosaur fossils were placed in rocks by prankster God just to make human beings think the world is older than it is.Collection: Thinking
I was a weekend drinker...I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday...thought I was controlling it...but I don't drink any more.Collection: Friday
I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it. I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here.Collection: Jesus
Marijuana grows naturally...Don't you think making nature against the law seems a bit, I don't know, unnatural?Collection: Marijuana
We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad...that's a little bit overdoing it.Collection: Thinking
On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."Collection: People
We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country-How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons?Collection: Country
I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA: seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first: Iraq: 150,000, USA: 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"Collection: Mean
Surgeon General's warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority.Collection: Cancer
But where did this veneration of childbirth come from? I missed that meeting. Childbirth is wonderful, childbirth is a miracle. Wrong. It's no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out your ass.Collection: Sex
See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money!Collection: Expression
BTW A 24 week old embryo is not a human being. You're not a human being until you're in my phone book.Collection: Book
Nonsmokers--this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight.Collection: Sleep
[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is...thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.'Collection: Thinking
Writing, acting, music, comedy. A deep love of literature and books. Thank God for all the artists who've helped me.Collection: Book
Are gun rights advocates arguing that roving gangs...shooting innocent bystanders constitutes a 'well-regulated militia'?Collection: Gun
Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes--are demons set loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect & holy children of God!Collection: Stars
Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! ... That's the story of Jesus.Collection: Jesus
How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.Collection: Lying
I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. (Starts blinking)Collection: Real
Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life?Collection: Employment