Ambrose Bierce
Loquacity, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk.Collection: Wish
Insurrection. An unsuccessful revolution; disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.Collection: Success
PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a saturated solution.Collection: Country
INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman.Collection: Guilt
RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded to the player against whom they are loaded.Collection: Player
Behavior, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by breeding.Collection: Principles
ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman wrestles with his record.Collection: Pits
DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets.Collection: Politics
Convictions are variable; to be always consistent is to be sometimes dishonest.Collection: Variables
REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned . . . . whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.Collection: Life
Patriotism is as fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave, blind as a stone, and irrational as a headless hen.Collection: Patriotism
WINE, n.Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man.Collection: Christian
The money-getter who pleads his love of work has a lame defense, for love of work at money-getting is a lower taste than love of money.Collection: Defense
DISABUSE, v.t. To present your neighbor with another and better error than the one which he has deemed advantageous to embrace.Collection: Errors
Quill: An instrument of torture yielded by a goose and commonly weilded by as ass.Collection: Art
PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment.Collection: Punishment
A miracle is an act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king.Collection: Nature
mine, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it.Collection: Ifs
PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.Collection: Enemy
ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction.Collection: Envy
A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps asked the archangel for bread.Collection: Atheism
PERIPATETIC, adj. Walking about. Relating to the philosophy of Aristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place in order to avoid his pupil's objections. A needless precaution - they knew no more of the matter than he.Collection: Philosophy
MACE, n. A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from dissent.Collection: Office
FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one sees and vacant lots in LondonCollection: Rags
I think I think, therefore I think I am.Collection: Math
Rome has seven sacraments, but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity.Collection: Rome
PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed with garlic.Collection: Food
adore, v.t. To venerate expectantly.Collection: Adore
prospect, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually forbidden.Collection: Expectations
me, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three.Collection: Ego
predilection, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion.Collection: Disappointment
resolute, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve.Collection: Determination
critic, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.Collection: Trying
hybrid, n. A pooled issue.Collection: Issues
applause, n. The echo of a platitude.Collection: Echoes
predicament, n. The wage of consistency.Collection: Consistency
Hope is desire and expectation rolled into one.Collection: Hope
Youth is Gilead, in which is balm for every wound.Collection: Youth
PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary is a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he never exert it.Collection: Power
ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it.Collection: World
TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.Collection: Greed
Truth is so good a thing that falsehood can not afford to be without it.Collection: Truth Is
URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent with disregard of the rights of others.Collection: New York
A lottery is a tax on stupidity.Collection: Stupidity
The circus a place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.Collection: Horse
CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.Collection: Sarcastic
PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.Collection: Pain
Evolutionary biology is genuinely scientific, but more than that it opens the door to a world more marvellous than any Christian fundamentalist has ever read into the pages of the Bible.Collection: Christian
There are two instruments worse than a clarinet - two clarinets.Collection: Two