Ambrose Bierce
Women and foxes, being weak, are distinguished by superior tact.Collection: Foxes
NON-COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker.Collection: Quaker
MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal.Collection: Knights
HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.Collection: Hatred
DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.Collection: Discrimination
Truth - An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.Collection: Funny
Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect.Collection: Funny
HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not.Collection: Christian
Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.Collection: Bird
In this world one must have a name; it prevents confusion, even when it does not establish identity. Some, though, are known by numbers, which also seem inadequate distinctions.Collection: Names
ZANY, n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with ludicrous incompetence the _buffone_, or clown, and was therefore the ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters of the play. The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, as we to-day have the unhappiness to know him. In the zany we see an example of creation; in the humorist, of transmission. Another excellent specimen of the modern zany is the curate, who apes the rector, who apes the bishop, who apes the archbishop, who apes the devil.Collection: Character
MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman.Collection: Horse
FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection.Collection: Affection
An accident is an inevitable occurrence due to the actions of immutable natural laws.Collection: Law
WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies.Collection: Tyrants
A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors - to dislodge the worms.Collection: Tree
HOG, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews, the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for the delicacy and the melody of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been known to draw tears from two persons at once. The scientific name of this dicky-bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_. Mr. Rockefeller did not discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance.Collection: Names
FOLLY, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns his life.Collection: Life
MAJESTY, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders of republican America.Collection: Kings
PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. With the growth of prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous.Collection: Courage
FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith.Collection: Long
OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets.Collection: Fun
LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used ... as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is precipitated in great quantities.Collection: Science
TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in politics.Collection: Hands
TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high an authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious source --the first words of the ancient Latin hymn _Te Deum Laudamus_. In this apparently natural derivation there is something that saddens.Collection: Father
MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society.Collection: Law
OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.Collection: Science
Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.Collection: Thanksgiving
REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice.Collection: Prejudice
UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.Collection: Faith
I was born to poor because of honest parents.Collection: Parent
PICKANINNY, n. The young of the "Procyanthropos", or "Americanus dominans". It is small, black and charged with political fatalities.Collection: Political
HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.Collection: Hands
CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.Collection: Time
REVIEW, v.t. To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it./ Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it)/ At work upon a book, and so read out of it/ The qualities that you have first read into it.Collection: Wisdom
You cannot adopt politics as a profession and remain honest.Collection: Political
Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless objectionableness.Collection: Nature
A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His creatures.Collection: God
WOMAN, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.Collection: Life
An auctioneer is a man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.Collection: Business
BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.Collection: Beauty
DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver. As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him; So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him, Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him, Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it, And finds at last he might as well have paid it.Collection: Grieving
pleasure, n. The least hateful form of dejection.Collection: Hateful
HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation.Collection: Spiritual
RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the virtue of maids.Collection: Maids
ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists.Collection: Science
Work: a dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.Collection: Lakes
Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man.Collection: Wine