Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 39
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 39 provides more funny quotes.
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.Collection: Funny
My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it's too weak to go very far.Collection: Funny
Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn't score any runs.Collection: Funny
Fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again.Collection: Funny
To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States.Collection: Funny
They misunderestimated me.Collection: Funny
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.Collection: Funny
good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhereCollection: Funny
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.Collection: Funny
Shut the door, Wales.Collection: Funny
You know what they say about big hitters...the woods are full of them.Collection: Funny
I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubble gum.Collection: Funny
Give me a guitar and I'll play; give me a stage and I'll perform; give me an auditorium and I'll fill it.Collection: Funny
I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth!Collection: Funny
Mrs. Campbell once attempted to smuggle her pet Pekingese through customs by tucking him inside the upper part of her cape. "Everything was going splendidly," she later remarked, "until my bosom barked."Collection: Funny
We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.Collection: Funny
Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.Collection: Funny
Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if," so you haven't established or proved without any shadow of a doubt that a woodchuck could chuck wood. Frankly, I believe that they chew wood. I don't think they can chuck wood at all! I take offense to the whole chucking question.Collection: Funny
I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lostCollection: Funny
Boxing's all about getting the job done as quickly as possible, whether it takes 10 or 15 or 20 rounds.Collection: Funny
We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us.Collection: Funny
So Carol, you're a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?Collection: Funny
The goal is to win. It's not about making money. I have many much less risky ways of making money than this (buying Chelsea football club). I don't want to throw my money away, but it's really about having fun and that means success and trophies.Collection: Funny
If your cat falls out of a tree, go indoors to laugh.Collection: Funny
How can I lose to such an idiot?Collection: Funny
Any mother could perform the jobs of several air-traffic controllers with ease.Collection: Funny
My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.Collection: Funny
My mom always complains about my lack of a boyfriend. Well, next time she asks, I'm going to tell her I'm dating two different guys-Mr Duracell and Mr Energizer.Collection: Funny
Wasn't Winston Churchill the first black president of America? There's a statue of him near me... that's black.Collection: Funny
A few years ago we colonised this place with some of our finest felons, thieves, muggers, alcoholics and prostitutes, a strain of depravity which I believe has contributed greatly to this country's amazing vigour and enterprise.Collection: Funny
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.Collection: Funny
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutesCollection: Funny
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlightsCollection: Funny
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swingsCollection: Funny
I've come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.Collection: Funny
#3 pencils and quadrille pads.Collection: Funny
I cannot tell you how grateful I am - I am filled with humidity.Collection: Funny
This is unparalyzed in the state's history.Collection: Funny
I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session.Collection: Funny
Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.Collection: Funny
Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.Collection: Funny
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'Collection: Funny
I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5000 at a reincarnation. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once!Collection: Funny
I like life. It's something to do.Collection: Funny
What good is the Moon? You can't buy it or sell it.Collection: Funny
I think "immoral" is probably the wrong word to use...I prefer the word "unethical."Collection: Funny
Scream" was great for what it was. For a horror film, it was intelligent, it was funny, it took a laugh at itself.Collection: Funny
There are secrets I will take to the grave and others I'd feel safer having cremated.Collection: Funny
My second hit was a flop.Collection: Funny