Tim Allen
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.Collection: Good
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.Collection: Dating
In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.Collection: Marriage
Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.Collection: Mom
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.Collection: Trust
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.Collection: Mom
In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.Collection: Car
It's true; I have a skill and it's... it has not related to acting, it's not related to auditions, it's not related to studios, not related to public whim. It's whether I'm funny or not and whether I can entertain people.Collection: Funny
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.Collection: Women
I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.
Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.
I do a lot of family shows.
Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.
I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?
I have a thing for tools.
While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.
I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.
The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.
I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.
The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.
Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar... I'd pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I'd go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did.
My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.
Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together.Collection: Real
If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.Collection: Ifs
Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot."Collection: Might
A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.Collection: Love
Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.Collection: Party
If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.Collection: Broke
Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.Collection: Dog
To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.Collection: Moving
Man is the only animal to borrow tools.Collection: Animal
The greatest missile in the world is useless ... unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something. So it's important for kids--for everyone, even if you fail at first--to target something and head in that direction. With all your might.Collection: Kids
Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?Collection: Reality
All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.Collection: Encouragement
Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.Collection: Animal
If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you've made, let's be fair, that means you've got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you've done. It's okay to say, "God, I wish I'd done this; yeah, but I did do that." Then it kind of balances out.Collection: Mistake
The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.Collection: Kids
Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.Collection: Listening
Now the denominator ... why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator ... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it? [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction!Collection: Numbers
Men often do things for women that they don't want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don't want to do.Collection: Love