Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 40
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 40 provides more funny quotes.
I've developed some deep relationships over the past couple of years blogging and I realize that those relationships manifest themselves in the links I find when I do my x a daily ego search over at Technorati.Collection: Funny
It is commonly believed that anyone who tabulates numbers is a statistician. This is like believing that anyone who owns a scalpel is a surgeon.Collection: Funny
If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.Collection: Funny
Money enhances a man, yes, as beauty enhances a woman.Collection: Funny
High sticking, tripping, slashing, spearing, charging, hooking, fighting, unsportsmanlike conduct, interference, roughing......everything else is just figure skating.Collection: Funny
It's all right leaping about the stage when you're 20 but when you get to 25 it gets a bit embarrassingCollection: Funny
Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.Collection: Funny
A week is a long time in politics, and three weeks is twice as long.Collection: Funny
Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working.Collection: Funny
Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzardCollection: Funny
If in the after life there is not music, we will have to import it.Collection: Funny
I'm at a very frustrating point in my career because I'm not a millionaire. Like, people assume because you're in movies or TV, you're rich. I'm not rich, but I'm far from broke. I'm what you call a 'thousandaire.'Collection: Funny
Ladies Commit, There's A Wedding In It For You.Collection: Funny
The distinguishing mark of true adventures, is that it is often no fun at all while they are actually happening.Collection: Funny
With the exception of women, there is nothing on earth so agreeable or necessary to the comfort of man as the dog.Collection: Funny
Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes.Collection: Funny
Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.Collection: Funny
I'm a firm believer that all sports will eventually be global. Someday, we may have a quarterback from China named Yao Fling.Collection: Funny
The first step is always to succeed in becoming surprised - to notice that there is something funny going on.Collection: Funny
You ain't going nowhere, son. You ought to go back to driving a truck.Collection: Funny
On his teenage son: To be honest, I'm not sure the same kid comes home each night.Collection: Funny
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.Collection: Funny
If at first you don't succeed, take the tax loss.Collection: Funny
My life is now a constant assessment of whether what's happening in real life is more entertaining than what's happening on my phone.Collection: Funny
Forget the Bible, the greatest argument against human evolution is a YouTube comment thread.Collection: Funny
I have 2 weapons; my arms, my legs and my brain.Collection: Funny
Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player.Collection: Funny
People who are pro smacking children say, 'It's the only language they understand.' You could apply that to tourists.Collection: Funny
A brand not responding on Twitter is like hanging up the phone on customers. With millions watching.Collection: Funny
Be careful what you wish for, you may receive it.Collection: Funny
My knowledge of the universe is that if I write stupid jokes, the universe gives me a really nice house and great meals. I do not believe mankind will ever develop a formula to explain this.Collection: Funny
Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius. I've been using money.Collection: Funny
In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'Collection: Funny
We all have to die some day, if we live long enough.Collection: Funny
There's nothing on it worthwhile, and we're not going to watch it in this household, and I don't want it in your intellectual diet.Collection: Funny
America’s one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.Collection: Funny
Go on, try weasel, try squirrel; it tastes like chicken, it tastes just like chicken! If it tastes just like chicken, why don't you gimme some damn chicken?Collection: Funny
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.Collection: Funny
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.Collection: Funny
I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.Collection: Funny
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.Collection: Funny
I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.Collection: Funny
This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.Collection: Funny
That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got menCollection: Funny
I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."Collection: Funny
I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."Collection: Funny
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?Collection: Funny
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.Collection: Funny
Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned.Collection: Funny