Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 38
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 38 provides more funny quotes.
The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.Collection: Funny
Most successful investors, in fact, do nothing most of the time.Collection: Funny
Tell Ray to put the eyeliner, the lipstick and the high heels away. I'm not saying he's a cross-dresser, that's just what I heard.Collection: Funny
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.Collection: Funny
I don't have the first clue who he is talking about, because all I worry about is Jerome.Collection: Funny
Anything that gets you to release the stress in your life and really laugh is worthwhile. It can heal the planet. It truly can, and it actually has.Collection: Funny
You know they invented wheelbarrows to teach FAA inspectors to walk on their hind legs.Collection: Funny
I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the moneyCollection: Funny
A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch.Collection: Funny
My handicap? Woods and irons.Collection: Funny
We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.Collection: Funny
I would have given my right arm to have been a pianist.Collection: Funny
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.Collection: Funny
Who thinks the law has anything to do with justice? It's what we have because we can't have justice.Collection: Funny
I do not miss ITV, God no! Have you seen ITV lately?Collection: Funny
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.Collection: Funny
Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.Collection: Funny
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.Collection: Funny
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'Collection: Funny
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.Collection: Funny
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"Collection: Funny
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!Collection: Funny
Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.Collection: Funny
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.Collection: Funny
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.Collection: Funny
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.Collection: Funny
Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.Collection: Funny
My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."Collection: Funny
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.Collection: Funny
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.Collection: Funny
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.Collection: Funny
I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.Collection: Funny
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?Collection: Funny
If one has not given everything, one has given nothing.Collection: Funny
Happiness to a dog is what lies on the other side of the door.Collection: Funny
Age is something that doesn't matter unless you're a cheeseCollection: Funny
The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".Collection: Funny
Instrument flying is an unnatural act probably punishable by God.Collection: Funny
In response to how he checked the weather, "I just whip out my blue card with a hole in it and read what it says: 'When color of card matches color of sky, FLY!'"Collection: Funny
My first wife didn't like to fly, either.Collection: Funny
I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.Collection: Funny
We are born at the rise of the curtain and we die with its fall, and every night in the presence of our patrons we write our new creation, and every night it is blotted out forever; and of what use is it to say to audience or to critic, ''Ah, but you should have seen me last Tuesday?''Collection: Funny
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who's Mary Astor? Get me Mary Astor. Get me a Mary Astor type. Get me a young Mary Astor. Who's Mary Astor?Collection: Funny
They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that.Collection: Funny
A satisfied customer. We should have him stuffed.Collection: Funny
I hate funerals and would not attend my own if it could be avoidedCollection: Funny
I am cursed with a right leg that arouses the desire of any male dog that happens to be passing. I used to think that this only happened to me but I've discovered that many people have the same problem. They have a femme fatale limb.Collection: Funny
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.Collection: Funny