Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 41
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 41 provides more funny quotes.
If the right to vote were expanded to seven year olds … its policies would most definitely reflect the ‘legitimate concerns’ of children to have ‘adequate’ and ‘equal’ access to ‘free’ french fries, lemonade and videos.Collection: Funny
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.Collection: Funny
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."Collection: Funny
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.Collection: Funny
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."Collection: Funny
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.Collection: Funny
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!Collection: Funny
Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.Collection: Funny
Basketball has so much showboating you'd think it was invented by Jerome Kern.Collection: Funny
To a dog, motoring isn't just a way of getting from here to there, it's also a thrill and an adventure. The mere jingle of car keys is enough to send most any dog into a whimpering, tail-wagging frenzy.Collection: Funny
Both humans and dogs love to play well into adulthood, and individuals from both species occasionally display evidence of having a conscience.Collection: Funny
Allen's Law of Civilization: It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.Collection: Funny
Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.Collection: Funny
Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.Collection: Funny
An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of goods that have been permanently discontinued.Collection: Funny
Playing against a defensive opponent is just as bad as making love to a tree.Collection: Funny
The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.Collection: Funny
The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.Collection: Funny
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.Collection: Funny
I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.Collection: Funny
I'm gonna kick your teeth so far down your throat you'll be able to chew your own ass out for pissin' me off.Collection: Funny
Why don't you say "What?" if you like to sleep with your own sister.Collection: Funny
I don't accept flowers. I take nothing perishable.Collection: Funny
But you shall not escape my iambics.Collection: Funny
Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again.Collection: Funny
Laughing together heartily at the same thing forms an instant bond.Collection: Funny
There was an advert I rather liked. Devastated woman: "I've just seen the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!" Husband: "Never mind, love, it's not the end of the world."Collection: Funny
Small earthquake in Chile. Not many dead.Collection: Funny
Steve Kerr, now coaching Golden State after eight tumultuous and very inconsistent years at TNT.Collection: Funny
I’ve spent too many years explaining who and what I am repeatedly, so as of this moment I officially secede from both races. I plan to start my own separate nation. Because I am half Ojibway and half Caucasian, we will be called the Occasions. And of course, since I’m founding the new nation, I will be a Special Occasion.Collection: Funny
When somebody says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," it means they've got other things to do first.Collection: Funny
Blogging is good for your career. A well-executed blog sets you apart as an expert in your field.Collection: Funny
The three toughest fighters I ever fought were Sugar Ray Robinson, Sugar Ray Robinson and Sugar Ray Robinson. I fought Sugar so many times, I'm surprised I'm not diabetic.Collection: Funny
We're going to start with the injury report, obviously. Manning, Clark, Addai, Reggie Wayne, Freeney, Mathis, Brackett - all those guys will not play. Oh, hold up. That was my wish list for Santa Claus.Collection: Funny
Yesterday I was lying, today I am telling the truth.Collection: Funny
Sugar Ray Leonard's retirements last about as long as Elizabeth Taylor's marriages.Collection: Funny
Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour.Collection: Funny
I'm just looking for a little mystery in life... like things you can't explain. Like, you go to Mexico, they tell you don't drink the water. You go to any diner here, who brings you the water? It's a mystery.Collection: Funny
I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies - and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking. I just gotta bring the heat.Collection: Funny
That's the funny thing about life. We're rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.Collection: Funny
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.Collection: Funny
Don't gobblefunk around with words.Collection: Funny
I used to comb my hair back and do stupid stuffCollection: Funny
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"Collection: Funny
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?Collection: Funny
And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".Collection: Funny
On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.Collection: Funny
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?Collection: Funny