Zach Galifianakis
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!Collection: Funny
You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.Collection: Funny
I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy.Collection: Guy
My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.Collection: Girlfriend
I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'Collection: Funny
I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?'Collection: Stars
My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.Collection: Funny
Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'Collection: Funny
I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.Collection: Self
I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.Collection: Weed
I think if you come out to California trying to be an actor, it's pretty hard. There's desperation. A lot of people are desperate, and a lot of people are clueless, including me. It's hard to try to figure it out. I've never told you, but I have head shots that if you saw them... they're so terrible! It's so embarrassing.Collection: Clueless
When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.Collection: Hey
Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.Collection: Funny
The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font.Collection: Sarcastic
I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster.Collection: Looks
I like characters that are fragile and a little bit on the edge .Collection: Character
I've always been attracted to sad. If you look at Woody Allen movies, he's often playing a sad clown, and it's always been interesting. And angry clown is even more interesting.Collection: Interesting
People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.Collection: People
Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"Collection: Funny
Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done.Collection: Fun
It's fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don't play on emotion too much.Collection: Couple
I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for fame. I know it's ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do.Collection: People
The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to.Collection: People
You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.Collection: People
I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something.Collection: Thinking
We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the "Girlfriend in a Coma" is, like, really funny.Collection: Song
I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.Collection: Cynical
I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it.Collection: Baby
My comfort zone is press conferences.Collection: Comfort
I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."Collection: Funny
I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.Collection: Thinking
My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.Collection: Real
If you see something, say something.Collection: Ifs
My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.Collection: Funny
I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.Collection: Guy
Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon.Collection: Hate
I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.Collection: Real
I'm proud of The Hangover, but to be in movies like this, which are really the only places I can get work, it's really quite the opposite of what I am. I like sensitive art-house movies. I'm not even much of a partier. I mean, I'll drink myself into oblivion alone in my car.Collection: Art
The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says “Forever.”Collection: Tattoo
I’m writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It’s called: Stop Staring at Me!Collection: Book
My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don’t really do a character thing in stand-up. It’s just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.Collection: Real
It’s fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don’t play on emotion too much.Collection: Fun
Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything’s been done.Collection: Fun
When a role seems fun it’s easy to play. It kind of comes organically.Collection: Fun