Zach Galifianakis
I've been wanting kids for 10 years. I'd love to adopt, have them naturally - all of it. I want, like, 15.
I can get away with anything. But when I try to be sincere, people just roll their eyes.
Comedians paint ourselves into corners all the time, and tastes in comedy change. The guy in 'The Hangover' was a really fun character to do, and it was easy to do. But you have to find other things because audiences will let you do that for a little bit, and then they're like, 'What else do you have for us, monkey?'
Some people can be choosy because they're ultratalented or lucky or whatever, but yeah, there are certain things that might not be the greatest thing on my resume. But I don't sit back and go, 'Gosh, I wish I didn't do that.' It's all part of the growth of a career, whether you're an entertainer or a librarian.
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.Collection: Funny
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.Collection: Funny
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.Collection: Mean
I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your foodCollection: Feelings
I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.Collection: Funny
I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.Collection: Funny
I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.Collection: Hangover
If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.Collection: Mean
I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'Collection: Death
Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.Collection: Funny
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?Collection: Funny
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.Collection: Funny
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.Collection: Funny
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.Collection: Funny
My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.Collection: Funny
I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'Collection: Bible
My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.Collection: Girl
When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.Collection: Funny
My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.Collection: Funny
I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.Collection: Funny
Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?Collection: Funny
You write things that are of interest to you. There's no focus group.Collection: Writing
I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of my face is rage.Collection: Color
I'm terrible at heights. I hate it. I'm glad I'm only 5'7".Collection: Hate
I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.Collection: Funny
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.Collection: Funny
You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.Collection: Funny
'Baskets' isn't a CBS show. Nothing against that, but this is an off-kilter show on cable that the channel lets you do interesting things. Look, if it works, it works. And if it doesn't, it's just a miniseries.Collection: Interesting
There was a long time where I was an "artist" in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.Collection: Girlfriend
You save 15 more minutes of sleep if you are a man and you don't have to shave.Collection: Sleep
I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."Collection: Funny
I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.Collection: Sadness
But comedy is like music, it appeals to some people. Some people like Creed, those people are usually pretty stupid. But they probably also like Carrot Top. I would say that they're part of the same ilk.Collection: Stupid
Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.Collection: Funny
I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.Collection: Funny
I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.Collection: Funny
I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.Collection: Greek
Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?Collection: Funny
It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me'. Being popular is poison.Collection: Poison
I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.Collection: Integrity
I'm the most mellow person offstage. I think it's just, going onstage lets me get out some frustration that I'm too shy to do in real life. Instead of doing it in private, I'd rather do it in front of 1,000 people who've paid $25 to see me lose my mind.Collection: Real
The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."Collection: Funny
I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well.Collection: Mom
I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but your scent is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice.Collection: Smell
I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.Collection: Funny