Zach Braff
Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible.Collection: Stupid
At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winterCollection: Mean
I'd like to think that my scripts are more significant than maybe the Bible or the book that the Jews use, whatever it's called. And that's only when I'm having an off day.Collection: Book
Compared to my talents, Whoopi Goldberg is like one of those fake plastic Buddhas you get at dollar stores. I mean really, I fail to see the humor in an overweight negro woman with dreadlocks, no eyebrows, and is named after a childish term for flatulence.Collection: Mean
A child's death is really of less value than an adult's. I mean, what could you really accomplish in a year? Not much, and that's not even talking about, you know, pay-wise.Collection: Wise
So for front-runners we have a black and a woman. It's like being made to choose between syphilis or having and old man crap on your face. I would do the country a favor and run myself but I couldn't deprive Hollywood of me for 4 years.Collection: Running
Well, I'm not saying that America is a bad place or anything. I just think 9/11 needed to happen sooner or later.Collection: Thinking
I'm pretty sure Africa was made up by the media to scare people. I mean, I've never seen it. Have you? I didn't think so.Collection: Mean
Sometimes Sarah [Chalke] starts to talk about Iraq or whatever and she gets all excited, like I actually give a crap what she's saying. Come on, she's a woman. But still, it's very cute.Collection: Cute
If you're dumb enough to volunteer for the army, I don't see why we're supposed to feel so bad when you get shot. I'm not saying we should throw a party or anything, but is it such a tragedy? If I'd gotten shot before I made 'Garden State', yeah, that's a tragedy, but some red-state hick getting his legs blown off? Come on.Collection: Party
I really don't give a care, I'm going to live for everCollection: Giving
It's not that I'm racist or anything, because I'm not, but I just don't think we should be wasting our time helping people that are going to die soon anyway.Collection: Thinking
I know the Bible isn't real because it never once mentions me.Collection: Real
Yea, I had a dream too. Looks like mine came true.Collection: Dream
You don't need an alarm clock when you sleep with 20 models a night, one of those broads'll figure out that they better make breakfast in bed or I'll kill all of them.Collection: Sleep
Most people just aren't grateful for the lives they have, and it really saddens me. For instance, I said 'hello' to a man the other day, and he didn't even recognize me. It just really saddens me.Collection: Grateful
I've had to remove all mirrors from my home. I just can't seem to look at myself without having to buff the bishop, you know?Collection: Home
Yeah, I've banged some female costars. I swore I'd never tell their names, so instead I'll present some anagrams: Sahar Clahke and Haether Gharam.Collection: Names
There's a lot of gray area in the law. Who can say, without a doubt, that I was in the wrong?Collection: Law
I don't know why people were so upset with me. Prince got his own symbol. I just wanted to adopt the handicap symbol as my own so I could park in handicap spots. Deformed people should be honored to park so close to me. Meeting a celebrity like me may give them hope in their mistake of a life.Collection: Mistake
I'm not saying I hate Jews, I'm just saying that I think they shouldn't be alive any more.Collection: Hate
Complete garbage. It's like Garden State, but in outer space.Collection: Garden
When I think about the holidays, I think about the Salvation Army guys ringing bells in front of stores. They're always so nice to you and they're always willing to give a heart to heart conversation. They actually bear the winter cold to ask for your petty cash with a smile on their face. Fudge those guys.Collection: Nice
Hitler had the right idea. He was just an underachiever.Collection: Ideas
I'm not actually an arrogant guy. It's just that, truthfully, nobody else can really compare to me.Collection: Guy
I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.Collection: Jealous
To say I live a cursed life is an understatement. I have to get up every day and work with people who are not as successful as me nor will they ever be as successful as me. Nobody knows the struggles I go through.Collection: Struggle
I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.Collection: Dog
One time this guy on the street wanted me to give him a medical opinion, because I'm a doctor on TV. I'm also a real doctor. But I'm also Zack Braff, so I kicked him in the groin.Collection: Real
The greatest charity you can contribute to is yourself. Instead of spending a dollar to help feed hungry children, why not spend that dollar on hair gel so you can get the perfect cowlick?Collection: Children
I was excited about The Dark Knight until Heath Ledger gave away the ending, Batman always wins.Collection: Dark
I was inspired by World Vision. It's almost like I sponsored (Donald) Faison and gave him an opportunity to do something with his life. What more would he want than to work with me?Collection: Opportunity
I was originally set to star in 'The Bourne Identity,' but I found it too difficult to even pretend to forget who I was.Collection: Stars
Sometimes, I go to Barnes & Noble with the sole intention of moving all copies of the bible to the fiction section.Collection: Moving
Sure, it was terrible and all, but you have to ask yourself: If the whole city was flooded, why couldn't they just swim to safety?Collection: Cities
If I had a billion dollars I would...oh wait...already do.Collection: Waiting
I like the punch beggers and panhandlers when they ask me for change. I feel like I am doing my part to clean up the streets.Collection: Clean
I lot of people remember when that kid spray-painted my brand new Porsche for Punk'd. That was pretty funny. He got me pretty good. Of course, most people don't know I eventually got him back with my own show. I call it a show, really it's just an hour-long video shot in my bedroom featuring the two of us.Collection: Kids
I use the N word almost daily. It reminds me that I'm successfulCollection: Successful
So, yeah, I mean, there is something universal about that feeling - that 20-something, what the hell am I going to do with my life, I'm lost and my parents are freaking me out, and what's the point? Every generation has a way of making that unique, but there are certain universals of that feeling.Collection: Mean
I mean, what's eleven million people now days?Collection: Mean
Yeah i thought about making the character of JD gay... But then i thought, but what about all the poor girls dreams you'll be crushingCollection: Crush
Im just not really attracted to black chicks.Collection: Black
Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of killing unwanted babies, it's just that the idea of letting women make a decision doesn't sit well with me.Collection: Baby
I'm not the kind of person who digs through things other people have thrown away.Collection: People
I'm a busy guy; I just get a lot of people that sound like me to go out and visit them. They don't know the difference and, let's face it, they aren't going to be paying to see my movies anytime soon.Collection: Differences
People have called me fake, but personally, I don't think I'm fake because I'm so insincere.Collection: Thinking
Best movie ever?! Come on, my appearance on Arrested Development had more dynamics, realism and feel to it than the whole trilogy combined.Collection: Development
When I first moved to L.A., I thought about turning gay. Then I realized none of the guys I was interested in was good enough for me.Collection: Gay