Zach Braff
I think the [New England] Patriots' season should have an asterisk next to it because everything they're accomplishing is against teams coached by people other than me.Collection: Team
I just don't see how anyone can hate America. I mean, crap, I live there. What more do you need?Collection: Hate
Well it's not that I HATE them, but honestly if I saw two homeless people begging for money, one white and one black, and I only had one quarter... Well I'd probably keep it actually.Collection: Hate
I don't ask questions. I just figure the extra warm days are God's way of rewarding me for Garden StateCollection: Garden
I mean, I'm a writer, actor, AND director. Not to rock the boat or anything, but compare that to a carpenter and, in the end, who is the better man?Collection: Mean
For me, acting in scenes with other people is like playing soccer with a bunch of legless five year olds. It's not really fair to them, but what else can I do, you know?Collection: Soccer
I think sports are very beneficial in the fight against obesity. I remember playing little league - I was the best person on the pitch by a long shot. It was only last weekend actually, I think I have some photos of it if you're interested.Collection: Sports
It's a give and take relationship with my fans. They give me love and adoration, and I take it from them.Collection: Giving
When I played the Shins, I changed someone's life. When I play Belle and Sebastian in a pivotal scene in my next movie...well, let's just say I made sure I that I can't be held legally responsible for all the deaths people will suffer out of shock upon hearing them. They're a terrific band.Collection: Play
Being around blind people is always a little frustrating to me because I know they have no idea how handsome I am.Collection: Ideas
I mean, some people accuse me of being racist. I'm totally not, I'm just better than everybody else.Collection: Mean
When you were a kid and the circus came to town it was awesome to see these little creatures, but these things go out of fashion, like polyester blazers with rolled up sleeves. We don't have to suffer them anymore so why are there all these little people running around?Collection: Running
Well, you need to have at least one black friend, otherwise people think you're racistCollection: Thinking
I could be one if I wanted to, I'm just way too overqualified for a job that simple.Collection: Jobs
One of the things I like about being a celebrity is that you can get away with murder. Not just metaphorically, literally. Remember that annoying blond dog reporter at E News used to talk smack about me? I paid two mobsters five million dollars each to throw her off the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas.Collection: Dog
I think the Bible should be re-written for today's society. We can call it 'Scrubs.'Collection: Thinking
I don't like the idea of drama schools. They only perpetuate the myth that everyone can do what I doCollection: Drama
I'd never hit a woman unless I was already out of Viagra.Collection: Viagra
I know I probably should be sad about my mother's cancer... but she still hasn't seen The Last Kiss, you know?Collection: Mother
Once both gay marriage and marijuana are finally legal, those of you against them are not invited to the really fun parties I'm gonna throw.Collection: Fun
Honestly, the only way Garden State could have been better was if I played every character. I'm awesome.Collection: Character
I don't think it's a black and white issue. If a man's family is starving so to speak, I don't think I'll hold it against him for stealing a loaf of bread.Collection: Black And White
Somebody approached me about writing a biography on me, I told them they were too late.Collection: Writing
If we're going to solve the problems in North Korea, the first thing we're going to have to do is start helping them get basic amenities like electricity, televisions, and DVD players over there. Otherwise, how can they watch 'Garden State'?Collection: Player
In a perfect world, everybody would be gay. I mean if everybody looked like Zach Braff, you just wouldn't be able to resist.Collection: Mean
Bigger than the Beatles? Well, how many grammys did they win? Exactly, none, yet I have one, and I've never even released a CD.Collection: Winning
It's really hard to find parts that challenge me as an actor these days. At this point in my career, I feel like I can just sleepwalk through most of my roles and still do a better job than 90 percent of the actors out there.Collection: Jobs
I'd really like to give back to the world, but everything I've achieved, I've earned on my own, so what's the point?Collection: Giving
I don't even like the show that much, I mean, it's about doctors. It's not like doctors are as important as actors anyway, I bet I've saved more lives with my acting talent then any doctor has.Collection: Mean
It depresses me when people expect me to be like the characters I play on film. I'm not some whiny loser punk, I'm a man's man.Collection: Depressing
I always encourage over-tipping if you can afford it because share the wealth.Collection: Tipping
When I was little I always wanted to drive a train. That, and become a baker.Collection: Bakers
I never looked at bread the same way againCollection: Way
I guess sometimes God just needs to laughCollection: Laughing
Minutes to learn, a lifetime to master. People just don't understand thatCollection: People
I wouldn't exactly call it 'Intelligent', but somebody has to be behind designing the human form other than just biological necessity. Why else would women have arms? Or feet? Or mouths?Collection: Intelligent
If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he'd have given them penises.Collection: Men
Don't get me started on cold toilet seats.Collection: Toilet Seat
I love signing autographs! Sometimes, when people ask me for one, I keep the photo for myself and frame it. It's a Win-Win situation really; I get an extra 25 dollars in my pocket AND another portrait for my bedroom.Collection: Winning
I don't think that other races are inferior, I just think that there's something special about white people. Sometimes, when I think about all the things white people have accomplished throughout history, I smile, and I nod, and I think to myself, 'Yeah, I'm glad I'm on that team.'Collection: Team
I feel really bad for everyone who died on 9/11. Not just the people in the World Trade Center, Pentagon, or Flight 93, but all of the terrorists, too. 'Garden State' came out in 2004. That means none of them got a chance to see it. Let that sink in for a second. No wonder they're building a memorial.Collection: Mean
It's hard for me not to be extraordinarily cute. I had to fight it.Collection: Cute
I don't have anything against this Jesus guy, but has he written, directed, and starred in his own movie?Collection: Jesus
I like to think of myself as the Chris Benoit of the movie industry, capable of taking any picture and carrying it to box-office success. Take Garden State, without me that would have just been two hours of Portman doging.Collection: Garden
Seriously, when's the last time you saw me wear shorts?Collection: Lasts
When you win your first Grammy, it's true, you really want to thank all the little people.Collection: Winning
I could see why someone would want to make a website about me, and my quotes. They are all gold. How many people have written, directed AND starred in their own movies. I just don't know why they would want to put words into my mouth, I mean I did write, direct AND star in a critically acclaimed movie.Collection: Stars
Some people just don't want to put in the effort. I just show up and say some lines and I'm famous. Anyone living below the poverty line just needs to shape up or be shipped out, you know?Collection: People
I mean, I know thousands of people died and everything, but if it happened today, there's just no excuse. They'd be much safer inside a movie theater watching one of my movies instead of burning alive in a collapsing skyscraper.Collection: Mean