Woody Allen
I can levitate birds. No one cares.Collection: Witty
I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.Collection: Inspirational
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.Collection: Funny
There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure.Collection: Funny
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.Collection: Inspirational
No Matter what you do there will be critics.Collection: Wise
I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.Collection: Fathers Day
My brain? It's my second favorite organ!Collection: Witty
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.Collection: Tradition
Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing.Collection: Worry
I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.Collection: Girl
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.Collection: Evil
I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.Collection: Clothes
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.Collection: Love
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.Collection: Death
Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.Collection: Paper
Eternity is really long, especially near the end.Collection: Funny
Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?Collection: Groups
My gift was in comedy. I found out I could make jokes. I could tell jokes. I could write them. So over the years, that's what I've done.Collection: Writing
There is always the possibility that people will change. Real change is more rare. You are who you are at a certain age in life you are pretty much a variation of that your whole life. It's conceivable that you will change but it's not likely.Collection: Real
I don't why whatever works and whatever doesn't. You just make the film that you enjoy making at the time, and you think there's a good chance that people might enjoy the story. You're surprised pleasantly when they do. It's just luck.Collection: Thinking
All over the world, relationships between men and women are very, very tricky and very difficult and you don't learn anything. It's not an exact science, so you can't learn anything. You're always going by instinct and your instinct betrays you because you want what you want when you want it.Collection: Men
I can't express anger. I grow a tumor instead.Collection: Grows
It's easier to direct. If you direct something poorly and re-shoot it the next day, stage it better, make it work better, you have a lot of possibilities. You can edit it in certain ways so that it works, but there's no getting around weaknesses of the script.Collection: Next Day
I can't imagine any director directing a screenplay of mine, because the great directors all have very personal styles, and the ones that don't are not very interesting directors.Collection: Interesting
In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.Collection: Leavers
Does art imitate life, or does life imitate TV?Collection: Life
You make films whether they're dramas or comedies about neurotic people. Flawed people. Interesting personality traits. To make them about calm, stable untroubled people isn't interesting.Collection: Drama
The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.Collection: Baby
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?Collection: Funny
What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?Collection: Funny
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?Collection: Funny
Life is tough and it's tough whether you're famous or not famous. And in the end it's probably better to be famous because the perks are better. You get better seats at the basketball game, and you get better tables and reservations places. If I call a doctor on Saturday morning I can get him. There's a lot of things, indulgences that you don't get, if you're not famous. Now I'm not saying it's fair. But I can't say that I don't enjoy it.Collection: Basketball
Showing up is 80 percent of life.Collection: Showing Up
See, I will always have this penchant for what I call kamikaze women. I call them kamikazes because they, you know they crash their plane, they're self-destructive. But they crash into you, and you die along with them.Collection: Women
A "Bay Area Bisexual" told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.Collection: Inspirational
When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?Collection: Men
Abysmal vermin that I am, I couldn't of course tell her that it was her incredible mother that I wanted to see again… I knew only as I drove through the cold, night autumn air that somewhere Freud, Sophocles and Eugene O’Neill were laughing.Collection: Mother
People always ask me, Do you ever think you'll wake up one morning and not be funny? That thought would never occur to me--it's an odd thought and not realistic. Because funny and me are not separate. We're one.Collection: Morning
My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly with my legs.Collection: Mind
Take the money and run.Collection: Running
To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.Collection: Funny
There's nothing sexier than a lapsed Catholic.Collection: Catholic
I prefer the magic to reality, and have since I was 5 years old. Hopefully, I can continue to make films and constantly escape into them.Collection: Reality
Once munching has begun, Schopenhauer held, the human will cannot resist further munching, and the result is a universe with crumbs over everything.Collection: Crumbs
Me and nature are two.Collection: Two
In fact, when they wake up in the morning, they're Jack Nicholson or Robert De Niro or Josh Brolin. And it's built-in, but they think it's all this other stuff. But it's not. They'd be great if they didn't think about their part or if they did think about it.Collection: Morning
And Nietzche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we're going to live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.Collection: Mean