Woody Allen
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.Collection: Funny
I've had bad luck in my two previous marriages. The first wife left me, and the second did not. Collection: Two
I don't know enough to be incompetent.Collection: Enough
My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.Collection: Funny
It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.Collection: Love
I don't want to be immortal through my works. I want to be immortal by not dying.Collection: Death
A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.Collection: Girl
You can't ride two horses with one behind.Collection: Horse
We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to despair, the other to destruction. Let's hope we make the right choice.Collection: Choices
Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.Collection: Fun
Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.Collection: Knowledge
That (sex) was the most fun I ever had without laughing.Collection: Sex
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.Collection: Funny
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.Collection: Mean
There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.Collection: Suffering
In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.Collection: Want
Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.Collection: Funny
The only love that lasts is unrequited love.Collection: Love
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.Collection: Inspiring
A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.Collection: Men
I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.Collection: Funny
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.Collection: Funny
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.Collection: Love
Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.Collection: Christian
I see the glass half full...but of poison.Collection: Glasses