Tucker Max
Yinzer: DAMN!! I wish I had your balls! Tucker:"I wish you had a breath mint, but I guess we don't always get what we wish for.Collection: Wish
I started writing because it was about making my friends laugh, and when you're talking to your friends, you can't bullshit.Collection: Writing
I find it truly appalling that there are people in the world like you. You are a disgusting, vile, repulsive, repugnant, foul creature. Because of you, I don't believe in God anymore. No just God would allow someone like you to exist. (Quoting feedback from a reader)Collection: Believe
Guys, we spend our whole lives trying to get pussy, so when pussy comes to us, it's like, "Whoa, this is amazing!" At 27, I thought nothing could be better than that, but at 35, I've come to understand the darker side of it.Collection: Guy
Gotta love alcohol and sex hormones.Collection: Sex
Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem, sleep with her and steal the shirt.Collection: Self Esteem
As a general rule, whenever guys have problems approaching girls, it's because they're afraid of rejection or they're afraid of something specific. The way that you get over a fear like that is you figure out what the worst is that can happen.Collection: Girl
There are fun nights, there are crazy nights, and then there are those nights that make men legends.Collection: Fun
I could never kill myself. What if it doesn't work. Then I'll have failed at the only thing that could save me from my failures. Where do you go from there?Collection: What If
The idea that guys should walk into a bar and confidently initiate contact and then seduce a woman based on a short term conversation is a toxic cultural myth that robs guys of self-confidence and that holds them up to an unrealistic standard that they have to become a super-extraverted narcissist in order to 'score with women'Collection: Self Confidence
If you just don't have any idea what you want to do, the worst thing you can do is go to law school. If you can go to college, maybe it's fine to have four years of fun and learn a little bit, that's okay, but if you have to go two hundred thousand dollars in debt, that's not something I would recommend.Collection: Fun
Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me" Tucker: "I don't understand the question.Collection: Girl
This may come as a shock to some of you, but I have a slightly volatile personality. I don’t suffer fools well.Collection: Personality
You play crotch roulette, you're gonna hit double zero once in a while.Collection: Zero
I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds.Collection: Shiva
It [eBook] is like introducing the machine gun to a revolutionary war. It changes everything. If you can reach your fans directly without having to go through a middle man, the entire economics of the publishing business changes.Collection: War
What people who don't create don't understand, is that once you take money from the machine, the machine [movie industry] owns you.Collection: People
Communication is not what we say, but what you hear (which is a lesson I wish our educational system understood)Collection: Educational
A lot of people think that since I'm drunk in my stories, I must be drunk 24 hours a day. What kind of stupid logic is that? It'd be like if you saw Michael Jordan at a restaurant and were like, "Why aren't you in your basketball uniform?" I leave out way more than I put in.Collection: Basketball
Unless you plan on making academia your life, all you need to know about postmodernism is that its premises are fundamentally wrong.Collection: Academia
Critics stopped being relevant when they stopped writing to inform and contextualize, and when they started writing to signal who they are, to display their identity by their stance on what they are writing about. Criticism should never be about the critic, but thats what it has become, and that’s why no one cares about them anymore.Collection: Writing
It used to be that companies with industrial economies of scale created business success. Now, success will come from the information economies of scale, either the ones with complete breadth, or complete depth.Collection: Business Success
I tell the truth, and truth is the ultimate defense against libel.Collection: Defense
To my friends and people I care about, I'm a really nice guy. No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff.Collection: Cute
You can't fill your emails with crap, at least not with my friends, because they're brutal. If something sucks, they'll tell you.Collection: Email
Failure either ruins you, or turns you into the man you can become.Collection: Men
Hollywood, it's just like high school. Whoever is pretty and popular, everyone wants to be with.Collection: School
I masterbate in the shower. My action figures judge me. Especially the Justice League.Collection: League
Hey man, can you talk to dolphins and pilot whales with that huge forehead of yours?Collection: Men
I'm not some movie star relying on a studio. I have my own fans and I earned them.Collection: Stars
One big lesson I learned from movie [making] was I don't do creative projects that I headline unless I have all the control. I can't deal with having to live with other people's screw ups, and that's just sort of the way the movie business works. The people with the money are in charge. Until I'm in charge, I don't want to play that game.Collection: Games
If you read the book, you're not a journalist. You're some impostor! No journalist actually does any work.Collection: Book
Listen to authority figures because of their position, but only believe them if they can explain why.Collection: Believe
Two girls called me closed minded. I tell them that they are so open-minded their brains leaked out.Collection: Girl
My favorite random email I got was from some guy who wrote: "Mr. Max, with the hope of a six year old on the night before Christmas asking about Santa, I ask the same question: Do you really exist?Collection: Night
You can't do anything yourself on TV... unless you have a LOT of money, but you can do an independent movie.Collection: Independent
We can't get kicked out of McDonald's! This is like the DMZ of drunk eating.Collection: Mcdonalds
Before you're famous it's stuff that seems like it'd be really cool, but once you get it, you realize it's not bad, but it's kind of hollow and meaningless.Collection: Stuff
The result of my hard work is that I'm financially independent, I have an amazing life, and I can do whatever I want. I don't have to answer to anybody.Collection: Independent
Leave it up to hipster nerds to pretend to hate something that they actually wantCollection: Hate
Before I was famous, I already was the person that attracted and dealt with a lot of weirdos.Collection: Weirdo
I hated being a lawyer and I wanted to like myself and like my job.Collection: Jobs
My buddies and I, we all went to law school together, and once we started working in different cities, we all did crazy stuff, and we'd write e-mails to each other about the stuff we would do. And my friends thought my e-mails were really funny and they said, "Dude, why don't you put this up on a Web site. You know people would love to read this."Collection: Crazy
I'm not even the coolest one of my friends. I'm just the guy who sat down and wrote everything down. Like I know plenty of people who do crazier stuff than I do.Collection: People
I was stupid when I was 17 or 18. My thought process was that I thought that I was legitimately a hyper-genius, and so I wanted to go to the hardest academic school I could to see if I was really as smart as I thought I was.Collection: Smart
Tucker: You guys going to Milwaukee? Guy: Yes sir, heading home after a vacation. Tucker: Did you know there are midgets in Milwaukee? [The man and his wife are silent and confused.] Tucker: HUNDREDS OF THEM!Collection: Confused
I take a lull from my CamelBak and choke at its potency. It tastes like bad decisions. It's perfect.Collection: Perfect
9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, 'Give me all of that.Collection: Giving
Opinions are projections.Collection: Opinion