Rodney Dangerfield
They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.Collection: Home
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.Collection: Funny
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!Collection: Funny
When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.Collection: Funny
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.Collection: Sex
My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.Collection: Funny
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the darkCollection: Funny
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !Collection: Funny
We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.Collection: Kids
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.Collection: Teeth
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.Collection: Wife
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.Collection: Respect
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.Collection: Sex
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.Collection: Funny
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.Collection: Book
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!Collection: Funny
One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'Collection: Funny
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.Collection: Funny
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!Collection: Funny
my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screensCollection: Cooking
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.Collection: Beauty
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.Collection: Respect
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.Collection: Funny
My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.Collection: Funny
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.Collection: Girl
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.Collection: Mother
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.Collection: Funny
I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.Collection: Two
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.Collection: Beautiful
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.Collection: Kids
My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handlesCollection: Funny
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.Collection: Men
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.Collection: Wife
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.Collection: Funny
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.Collection: Problem
Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.Collection: Mean
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!Collection: Funny
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!Collection: Funny
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.Collection: Girl
At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.Collection: Funny
Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.Collection: Blood
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.Collection: Funny
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.Collection: Morning
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.Collection: Funny
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.Collection: Funny
I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.Collection: Beach
My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.Collection: Funny
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.Collection: Country
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.Collection: Money